You know what you never hear: “it’s ok to hate drugs and alcohol”.
We are all preached at to have some kind of tolerance. Why? Why should I be tolerant of someone that gets drunk, destroys property, is loud and not tolerant of others and generally creates a big disturbance for other people? Why do I have to be the one to forgive them when they just say “sorry” and don’t fix the door or window they broke? And then look at me like I should cater to them? Fuck that. I may have tolerance for a person, or group of people, but I’m running out of tolerance for substance abuse.
I’ve recently been threatened by someone I believe to be using; and I’ve taken it very personally. I don’t like people telling me what to do just as much as the next person; but when someone approaches me in a threatening manner, I’ve been responding in kind lately.. it’s lead to me having some inner evaluation/dialogue and needing to vent somewhere, so this seemed like a good option (another one of Lisa’s good ideas :) )
To start, there is a pattern of emergency in an addicts life. Usually it is a result of ignoring responsibility and not having the support network around them to help when things get difficult. This is such a dangerous and circular negative pattern, that I’ve begun to hate any signs of it (even in myself, so I’ll need to read this later and see if I’m doing it also).
Everyone hates responsibility and is going to drop the ball at some point. But usually we can pick it up and keep going. The danger comes in when we don’t have a safety net for that time when “we don’t got it”. That is our family. However you define family, they are the only ones that are ever going to truly have your back if it comes time to fight for you. And everyone will have to fight something in their life. Usually we can’t do it 100% alone. When someone chooses a substance over family, they usually do get what they want (the substance) but also lose their family in the process. Using is an isolated lifestyle that eventually leads to being alone, always. Sometimes that involves death, other times it may involve survival or “functioning”.. but always isolation in the end. And that’s one of the worst feelings for anyone to ever have to deal with.
Isolation results for many reasons. Ultimately, our decisions determine our place in life. Users will choose a drug (or sometimes an ego) over everything and everyone. Fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, friends are all second seat to the primary focus and concern; until crisis when the friend or family member is called upon to help. But the average person does not like being put second their whole life then have to help someone they care about after their first choice didn’t come thru for them. I imagine people that experience this might compare it to helping someone you love or have a crush on get back with their ex-boyfriend/ ex-girlfriend, ex-husband/ ex-wife, etc. Why would you do so much work only to help someone that is not choosing you?
That is one way isolation is created: this feeling of non-importance can distance us from our families. This is a monumental turning point, because without family people are truly alone in the world and the world is a harsh place. There often isn’t anyone else out there just looking out for another individual’s best interest; more often than not, it’s every person for themselves. As my wife has noted, this is why we become emotional when we see acts of charity; because we are not used to seeing them! If helping others was normal, we wouldn’t be surprised or think twice about it. But it’s not.
This is painfully evident by witnessing the homeless and less fortunate. Where are their families? What decisions led a person to such a place where they have absolutely nowhere else to go than the street w/ 1 shopping cart to carrying their life? This is a terrifying prospect for me, being homeless and it has been a motivator at times also; to maintain food, water and shelter.
Many times we take these basic needs (and other needs) for granted. But there are others who don’t have them. Another logical assumption I will make is that if someone does not care for their immediate relationships, they will not care about their responsibilities either. All of the bills that keep us afloat in the world these days: mortgage/rent, food, electricity, gas, cell phone, internet, car, job expenses.. these things are of a lesser priority as well. When crisis occurs in an active-users life, it is often b/c they have chosen to neglect these responsibilities, usually after they have distanced themselves from those that might help them. This is a bad place to be and accelerates the disease. When people become desperate, they begin to do desperate things to stay afloat, to maintain the basic needs. This can plummet a person deeper into depression, debt and isolation from true friends by the short-sighted decisions that a person begins to make when they are desperate. Like taking more debt for cash today, refusing or fighting our responsibilities always leads us to a more difficult tomorrow. Whoever we choose to blame for our actions, it is always ourselves that will pay.
I hate substances. I didn’t before, but I do now and that’s ok. It’s my opinion and I have the right to that, just as those that choose to use have the right to their own opinion. The beautiful thing about democracy is that everyone is truly allowed to find their own way in life, by their own decisions towards what they believe is their life’s goal or purpose. Additionally, we are all allowed to choose who we associate with, what we support and what we do not. There is never someone or some government forcing our hand. But there are many opinions that, given the freedoms of speech that we have, allow us to make our own educated decisions based on the experiences of others; should we be wise enough to use this information.
Reverting to my opinion (the only one I can speak for) The short-sightedness of addiction doesn’t worry about tomorrow’s debt until tomorrow is today. That debt can be financial, emotional, in a relationship or any other things we commonly put off.. but reality is always there waiting for us. At some point our actions will affect others and we will be held responsible.
Looking at my own bad decisions/actions, I have to wonder: how will I be held responsible? When will I have to pay back all the bad things I’ve done to other people? Part of me wants to think never; but this is not true. Ironically, b/c I have shared some of my bad actions with others I think that I may be held accountable to pay them back. This leads me to wonder: why should anyone confide in anyone if the only result is to suffer? And for myself, I guess I would say: clear conscience frees us from the burdens of guilt that we carry every day. Each lie, deception, or otherwise negative impact we’ve had on another person’s life is carried with us, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Some folks have religion to identify this, but it’s common sense; if we treat others badly, we will be treated badly.
I may have not fully understood the golden rule, until just now. We treat others how we want to be treated b/c we are all mirrors, reflecting each other. Also, harboring hate can stay with us for years and cause negativity and stress in our daily lives.
Here's one example: when I called a customer service representative angry, I made their life just a little worse, they (in-turn) did not help me get what I want, so now I’m angry, they are angry and nothing has been solved; so I’m actually in a worse situation. Furthermore, we both leave the phone call and have a negative effect on the world. The very next person both of us talk to will suffer the wrath of the disappointing or frustrating, previous conversation. I think this is the literal way that Karma enforces itself into/onto our lives. After a while (if we are stupid and continue this behavior) we start to realize that no one wants to be around us, or that our relationships are unsuccessful, that we are not fulfilled or progressing in our jobs or hobbies.. just a bunch of negative shit that is completely avoidable with such little effort in the very beginning.
This effort requires such difficulty sometimes though. Usually humility, letting our ego go and being truly compassionate and caring about a situation that is not solely our own. This could mean saying “I was wrong” which is extremely difficult for most of us to do. Instead I will normally continue to try to prove a point until I am right, supposedly to make me feel better about myself. Hence the writing of this paper. That’s something I learned from my wife. If you are frustrated about something, maybe just write it down, save it, look at it later and see if that’s the person you want to be. Because sometimes we act in ways that we do not want to be, and that can be a very frightening realization to have, especially if you perceive it to be “too late” or very far progressed. That is another true danger of addiction, it is one of many ways to ignore our faults, never correct them and cripple ourselves immensely and almost completely in the process.
There were a bunch more ideas floating around in my head, but for now I’ll close this paper. Usually people say it’s good to end with a quote, affirmation or restatement of the purpose of the communication.. I’ll go with affirmation, b/c that seems like a good choice for now:
1) I will try to better understand the situations of others and realize my own faults without compromising my integrity or someone else’s
2) I will make sure that before I make a decision I think of my priorities, and that I focus on making the decisions that will support my priorities
3) I will make better efforts to not have selfish priorities
4) I will do my job as a good husband and father
And here’s a good quote, b/c why not! Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten. David Ogden Stiers
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_family.html#Ih0wqi24guHMQLSM.99
