the million dollar question..

what does it mean to relapse?

for those of us with compulsive behavior (aka "addiction") what does it mean to relapse?  i think that relapse can be part of recovery. it is a loss, but not a failure. for example, if i don't go to the gym for a year i have not reached my goal.. however, i can start going to the gym tomorrow (if i was motivated to). perceiving that we've failed only breeds more perceived failure. thus i've begun each new day with a saying that "today will be good". no expectations, just a thought that i might enjoy something that day. maybe someday it will be getting back in the gym! but i'm not making any specific promises to myself just yet.. i'm no expert on any of this and all of these words are stolen, yet worth repeating b/c they do work :)

i was recently asked how i felt about relapse. at first i couldn't wrap my mind around it. i didn't assign immediate danger to someone falling back into a cycle b/c there wasn't any comprehension of what the immediate or long-term effects would be. after thinking a little while, i suppose that addiction (like other habits) is an escape right? we go there to heal when the world beats us up. however, while we are healing the world is going on without us.. our monsters (problems) are waiting outside of our cocoon, growing stronger b/c those motherfuckers aren't challenged. usually one of our problems will become the leader, the alpha-problem and challenge our very ability to run our own lives! fuck that!!  i refuse to be a slave to my problems, then again i'm very weak from not fighting said problems.. so where to begin aye?
most people aren't going to jump out of the safety egg with a sword and slay the dragon. we all need that training montage that you might remember from LOTR.. the preparation for battle. for some it may take years, others days, but there's something about that time in the movie.. the preparation that is exciting. the last village of people preparing to defend their land and family.. sharpening of swords with tears of the ones we are to protect.. i'm spiraling into a medieval tangent.. meant to say something like "now i'm eating the pie a piece at a time" or something that would suggest the smaller tasks are the true way of building ourselves up, not going after the bigger stuff until we're ready..

my thoughts of porn have changed over time in an unexpected way. although i don't think of it as frequently, when i do it is an extreme, desperate, vivid desire that makes me way more curious about watching it again then when i used to watch daily about a year ago. repressing the urge or desire seems to make it that much more desirable! WTF!  so how is this supposed to get better if this vision seems to become more potent over time? it seems that most things are just a distraction.. but i've not tried a lot of strategies either. boredom is a major trigger for anyone.. and i think that living a more active lifestyle would do wonders for my brain chemicals and overall outlook :)  the internet can be a trigger too, but the problem is i have lived on the internet so long that it will be really difficult to change.. now that i think about it, the internet might be one of my root problems! hmm.. might be a topic for another post.. in the mean time just trying to come up with goals that i can accomplish, usually the same day and maybe that will be enough to keep my mind off it :)