what are we fighting for?

make life, don't hate life..

There are so many complications associated with being an adult: money, sex, lies, responsibility, difficult decisions, consequence and the millions of possible interactions we can have with others on a daily basis. Usually i sit, smoke, ponder and feel sorry for myself, ensuring that no action will be taken (either positive or negative). This isn't living life! Sometimes i feel like i'm wasting time, patting myself on the back for things i've thought of, but haven't set in motion or even attempted to accomplish. I tell myself all the great things I can, or would do for the Princess and myself, yet nothing ever gets done.

So how do we break the cycle of trapt thoughts and physical inaction? I recently thought that developing ourselves strengthens those around us. Whichever pattern we are stuck in, it takes a strong mind and body to mold ourselves into who we want to be. This may be an excuse to be completely selfish, but i'm starting to believe that the best thing you can give your family is a strong you!  Sure we hand out electronic toys, food, cards and other things that demonstrate a positive thought or action... but wouldn't it be much more meaningful to be an unwavering pillar of support in someone's life.  I don't currently exhibit these traits for anyone or even myself, but it's a good thought :) everything starts with a thought tho right?

How good would it feel to know that people had absolute trust and faith in you for something? anything... if i was a good fisherman and everyone looked up to me to learn how to fish, i would feel more responsibility in having to teach.. at the same time, b/c i had invested time in (selfishly) developing my own skill, i could now offer others life-long teachings that may feed them one day.

I'm conflicted with this notion. Unsure if it is an excuse or a legitimate path to unselfish righteousness.. currently leaning towards legitimate, because the individual ultimately decides on their level of happiness, not the environment.  So what am i doing to become more content? more excited about life? what am i doing to make my life instead of hate it?  well, not very much!

however, here are some things that i hope to hold myself accountable to:

- reward myself with sleeve tattoo after reaching 200lbs
- establish a daily workout routine
- establish a daily eating routine
- document my progress

no good conclusion to this writing as the process in ongoing..

Protection: "so others may live"

So often I wonder "do I really have someone's best interest at heart?" when we help someone, it can be more of a selfish act than anything. Currently I do not volunteer or spend much time actively doing anything for anyone else. My life has been set to auto pilot and I've given control of most decisions to the wind & water. While this relieves me of duty, it is a sure way to lose track of myself and others around me. If we do not distinctly define ourselves, others will not recognize us. So more difficulty can mean a better life.. No pain no gain?!

While its easy to see how others should change, it's tough to take action to change myself. I would like the recognition of the title "protector".. That someone needs me and that I am truly doing good for the right reasons. However these words are so subjective (or objective?) so more time is usually spent spent evaluating possible future actions than just making a decision and following thru. ..

One thought: becoming someone's protector may involve becoming a part of them, so much so that you don't know yourself apart from them. How then can you have perspective? Then protecting them or doing anything good becomes like doing something for ourselves. For example, how many new years resolutions are broken each year? This is something we swear to ourselves, but are ultimately not accountable for b/c we allow ourselves excuses.  Hence, to be a good protector we may have to maintain our ego and humility.. I'm not exactly sure how to do this.. Maybe a good topic for next time!

Who's feelings are these anyway?

Something is different today, and it was yesterday also. I made peace with a decision that may determine the rest of my life: moving to a different place in the world. My battle, as i imagine most people's battles are, is internal. How do we really separate ourselves from ourselves long enough to see the effect we are having on other people? I don't want to see my effect on others. I'm scared of the things i've done and much more terrified of the things i haven't done. Princess says that we have lived a life of fear. That fear has gobbled up our dreams, hopes and may now be looking to have our future for dessert. Well.. at least that's my interpretation of the writing. Briefly, i have to say that anyone going thru any type of life difficulty should really read her story at chasingdragonsaway.com Her life is a beautiful tragedy and some of the stories are dark, but all are written from another world.. anyways, if you find yourself looking for perspective in life, you will find a lot at that website! ps. there are some funny ones in there too like the "what would jesus do, apparently flip me off!" heh heh, if you're intelligent you will really like the blog :) alright, my mind is easily distracted i suppose, so to continue: living life in fear. what do we fear? Being alone, not being loved or accepted by another, not finding our reason or purpose? I fear more than i should and more than i talk about. I fear being discovered as if i'm some sort of fake person that cares about nothing and noone save myself. The thought makes me want to puke, but maybe that's who i am. I fear that i'll always be this way and the people around me will suffer because of it. I fear that if i keep saying stuff i fear that i will fear more and get trapped in a fear-cycle of fearing.. there's a saying in texas "you fool me once.." no wait, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself!!" I'm in love. following that feeling edges the fear away a little :) something today was different, but not entirely new.. i watched an episode of intervention (because i dwell on fear and dramatic situations rather than reality) and found myself inside a new, weird emotion. The side effect of this emotion was that i cried like a little baby and was putting my fists in the air, like you might do when someone finishes a race first.. i dunno, maybe like if your favorite nascar driver won? or your team scored a touchdown? this isn't the strange part, feeling part of someone else's success.. the strange part is the crying.. i've always felt sad when i cry, which isn't very often anyways. today i was excited, proud.. i kept saying yes in a very small voice. this is strange to me, but it all happened at the moment Meghan said she was willing to go to the treatment. I'm still very excited and proud, i don't even know this person! Well, it looks like i've just written about myself again, but maybe starting with ourselves is what we need to do to help others feel better :) I'm glad for today and i'm glad for the amazing things i have in my life that inspired me to write for the first time in.. months? year? hopefully more soon :) :)