lonely island

Hawaii.. the island of love. On TV shows and postcards it always looks amazing, exotic.. that picture of the ocean that people stare at daily for 7 months on the cork board of their office cubicle, until they can save enough vacation time to fly here and forget the stress of civilization.

The plane landed at night.. bright beaches and blue waters were shrouded in darkness. Beauty existed still, but was not visible. The airport functioned slowly, time creeping by with a depressed feeling of a lazy night shift. Additionally, it seems that whoever designed this terminal may have spent more time surfing than making transportation and transitions logical for the rest of us. Mild frustrations add to the panicked feeling of having made a wrong decision at the last airport. Why don't our lives happen like in the movies? why didn't i run off the airplane and show her how much she means to me?  maybe too much responsibility.. maybe reality is different.. maybe there is too much "maybe" and not enough "yes".  I haven't prayed in a while, nor do i truthfully believe in god, but as i sit, sneaking a coffee and cigarette in a dim corner of a multi-level parking lot,  i quietly beg the powers that be for things to just work out ok.. this doesn't seem real..

This time is worse than last. I can feel my chest tighten as an invisible cord is stretched further with each mile i travel away from my wife. Why does it hurt more now? We did 2-3 months passably during our first separation and that was going into the trip blind. Now i've experienced life apart and made it work, yet suffer more. It doesn't make sense. Such ignorance, yet i think i know exactly what is wrong and how to fix it. I left without trying again.

The first text redefines our virtual relationship. Both reassuring and devastating, i try to imagine what is happening in las vegas.. and smile momentarily at the thought of being there :)  maybe things won't be so bad after all.. could there be a way to meditate myself into a zone of remembering what it is like to be home.. hypnotize.. even as i sit and think this post is rambling, i think that there seems to be some kind of progress.. things seemed a little better than they were before.. i know that. Patience, understanding, practice, communication..

as i find somewhere to curl up and set my alarm for the next flight, i dream of her. she will be my island, my vacation..