My Heroin Heroine

Married to addiction: living in recovery

Hi. My name is ian white and my wife is recovering from a heroin addiction.
I've been asked "what is it like to be married to an opiate addict?". The shortest answer I can find is: confusing! However I will attempt a more detailed response..

1) communication & the power of addiction

Many people  hide their addictions by lying to themselves and their family. My wife hid her use from her ex husband before enrolling in a rehabilitation program.  For a long time i felt like she was always hiding something from me as well. However, societal stigmas surrounding heroin use make open communication and recovery difficult. We have had to try extra hard to maintain open communication without judgement.
 When my wife told me the extent she would go to in order to hide her use I was shocked. She hid things in interesting places, underneath the spare tire of a car, taped to the underside of a drawer, stuffed inside of a seat, etc.  I'm now wondering: why? What would happen if someone found out she was using heroin or other narcotics? 
Well, I freaked out when I thought she was using..  The first time I called her ex, the second time I called the paramedics (who then called the cops!). Therefore my reaction to (what I thought to be) heroin use had police at our house, doors kicked in and my beautiful wife on her knees in handcuffs. We both almost lost our jobs and everything we had worked for, why?  I panicked. 
This is (one reason) why people hide narcotic use, fear of misunderstanding and incorrect action.
The only way I know to effectively communicate, not bullshit each other. Trust has not been easy, but i know that i will trust her when i understand.

2) education & understanding

There might not be anything more important than education! 

Learn everything about your loved one's vice so you dont put each other in jail! Research for any topic is readily available on google, ie:

"The white crystalline form considered "pure heroin" is usually the hydrochloride salt, diacetylmorphine hydrochloride. When heroin is supplied illegally, though, it is often adulterated to a freebase form, dulling the sheen and consistency to a matte-white powder.^{[5". (Wikipedia)}
I've not spent as much time in education as I should, but am slowly beginning to understand the terminology.  Actually addiction is really interesting if u like chemistry and/or biology. Also, having grown up affected by alcohol and substance abuse enough to feel there is an important reason to understand and not perpetuate future use. There are times when i feel weak or enabling, but i know some of the damage addiction can have on relationships and families. We must be strong for ourselves and our loved ones, sometimes just for today.

In the 100s of hours I've spent talking to my wife I've learned a lot!  One of the most important things she's taught me is that an addict will fight and defend their addiction above all else.  They may be more passionate about keeping their vice than you are about ridding them of it.  Thus forcing a person to choose between a drug and a loved one might yield unpleasant results!  Knowing that I might always be 2nd is a tough concept. As a spouse or family member, you may have to compete for that 1st place spot every day, all day. I have been tired, confused, resentful, sad and angry.. Currently I'm looking for reasons to fight addiction.  If you have any please share them!!

To be continued..

Confessions of an internet stalker

Today i stumbled across a slew of personal emails i sent over the last few years. Most were from craigslist and solicited only the minimal response for "hooking up" or meeting a woman online. As i scrolled thru hundreds of emails i began to notice that my method was "send 100 emails and hope for one response". Most of the emails were short and lacked any real content, simply stating "are you real" or "what's up". The response i was looking for was sex, at no cost or effort. I wasn't willing to put in the time to get to know someone and let a relationship develop.  I was interested in instant gratification on my terms and shunned others ideas, ie. once i scoffed at a woman for wanting to have an 'financial arrangement', when in fact i was exhibiting the same behavior (maybe with opposite intentions).

All my life i had believed that this behavior was acceptable and refused to acknowledge that i may actually be degrading and/or hurting another person. Now i can't help but wonder how i've caused people to feel about themselves. Receiving a message like "that's ok, but how do you look like with your clothes off" is abnormally shallow and i'm unsure of what effect it may have, as i don't think anyone has ever treated me this way.  Maybe if i understood how others have been affected by this type of behavior i can understand what i've done more completely.

please take the time to share any experience you've had (in dating, marriage, or other social settings) in which you have wronged or been wronged by another person. Also i would like to thank those closest to me for offering a way to see my actions thru the eyes of others.