write n' wrong

since when did being so right feel so wrong?

or being so wrong feel so right?




i stumbled across another "truth" today that i've just realized isn't true. it is beginning to seem like i'm living in some matrix that others don't understand.. or that i'm outside of the normal world b/c i don't understand how to live and operate in it..








because i've given up things that have become part of me (for better or worse), i have become indignant.


i look down on others for not sacrificing in the way that i have. yet any 3rd party can see that what i consider sacrifice is actually what many people consider "living a normal life". Not Drinking, not watching porn and not acting on any impulse that negatively affects another should be part of the human code. i have violated the human code as i was growing up and only within the last few months have amended my actions to reflect those of any regular person with a pulse and 1/2 a brain. i've been given more than most people ever dream of. An amazing wife, a great job, a nice home and a fluffy animal that loves us unconditional (as long as we provide cat food). i think a lot of people would be thrilled to be in my situation! yet i continue to gripe and complain about meaningless and mundane things.. this prevents me from seeing the greater picture: my life is great! i should feel lucky to have these gifts and those around me should know without question how awesome i feel as a result of my current surroundings and future potential.i will admit if asked, i can't really provide any negative fact that would justify the sadness and anger that i feel sometimes. i feel that my wife doesn't trust me and that i shouldn't trust her, yet if you look at the facts she has always trusted me and even stood up for me when i've been wrong. just today i dwelled upon my self-pity so long that i kept her up until her shift at work started. i didn't think "o wow, she needs to eat breakfast soon" or "her shift starts in a few hours, she might need some sleep" (even after being told what time her shift started numerous times the day before). These things did not pop into my brain b/c it was more important to me to feel good about myself. that i was doing right and she was doing wrong. after taking sleep time away, i probably made her feel like shit right before she had to go to work.

try to imagine this feeling. Tired, hungry and thousands of miles away from someone that is supposed to care about you (more than anyone in the world) and being called a liar or a cheat when you haven't done anything. my wife is actually too good of a person to have done this to me, actually i've never experienced anything like it, but i can barely grasp the amount of bullshit i might feel if this happened to me. starting out a day in a negative way is never good, but if you add emotional stress to physical stress, there's just a receipe for disaster. during these times i just want to shake myself, punch myself in the face and say "wake up you idiot! look what you are doing!" even then i'm worried i wouldn't even realize it b/c i am that selfish. i'm more concerned with my feelings or just curiosity and ego than another person's health and well-being. good lord. when this type of realization hits me i'm dumb founded. how could i ever do such a thing? but there it is, staring me in the face. this is not something that i can write off as "that was a different person". this just happened not hours, but a matter of minutes ago! apparently the steps and "sacrifices" i'm making are not enough to change my mindset to that of a person that actually cares for another. this is a very sad prospect and one that i hope to change by documenting feelings of "write" or wrong on this blog.




today is monday, the start of a new week. we will go to work with problems on our mind, further creating stress b/c we will in no way be focused on work. it all seems trivial when there are such significant problems that haven't been addressed. 3rd parties are a great idea, counseling and all that, but will they ever truly know the inner workings of our brains? probably not. there's a slight chance that a marriage counselor could

help, if i was 100% honest with them about my inner self. but who really wants to tell the ugly truth about themselves to a complete stranger? i don't feel they've earned it (as my wife has), so would feel hesitant to accept the diagnosis of someone who can never know the full truth. there will have to be another blog on professional 3rd parties, as i have a lot of differing opinions and feelings about them. for the time being, i have my primary counselor and will continue sessions until progress ceases or i am told otherwise.




when we arrive at work, tired b/c i've chosen to keep myself us awake. we will not perform well (or as well as if there were a full night's sleep supporting us). for me this takes the form of being late to a meeting or missing an appointment that is important for the job. of course things aren't too bad, my wife goes to work without sleep constantly and there is always coffee available to get us through that one day we decided to stay up. however, i'm more concerned with a pattern. how do we establish healthy eating and sleeping times to maintain the energy levels we need throughout the day? we actually have a great jobs! they are rewarding, have great social interaction (from funny people), show visible progress and there is ample opportunity for reward, recognition and promotion.




in my line of work, there is one major and possibly legitimate drawback: i must stay away from my wife and family for extended amounts of time. i think yet another post should be dedicated to the pros and cons of stable employment versus family time. for now i will conclude by saying that i am glad for blogs, as they allow us to record our thoughts and actions for later review. a lot of times i don't see the effect my actions have on others and i am glad that there is a way to document and later reflect on what i've done. i hope at some point this does affect change within me and ceases to affect others in any negative ways that i'm not paying attention to.




note to future self reading this:

- trust your wife!

- trust yourself

- trust that both of you know what's best and make decisions accordingly

- speak the truth, always (even when uncomfortable or awkward)

- utilize the tools around you for improvement! there's always something that can help your current situation and if you don't see it, you aren't looking hard enough

- think of others before you think of yourself. develop an excerise to practice



this. may be something like "do something every day that you don't want to do that would really help someone else". today i will wake up in an hour or so to wish my wife a good day at work, and then conserve the amount of cigarettes i smoke to save money for my family. shooting for only 1 after each meal and maybe 2 when i get home. so 5 total! will check back with the blog to report the news. hopefully it is good.