Me (x3) + FTW = X?

i feel like a fucking idiot. i've thrown away all my rights to have feelings like a normal person. i was given chances time and time again to prove myself, but instead i sat on my fictious high-horse, refusing to acknowledge or support others. so now i get what i deserve. pain. a deep inner pain that lets me know i'm capable of feeling, but only negative emotions b/c that's what i've injected into the world.

with a sense of karma, i know that this is how it should be. those that do not show love should not receive it. why then am i so hurt? each action i've made, thousands of them over the last year, points to only self-serving, individualistic survival. i haven't even made significant strides to improve myself, yet i perceive that the world owes me something. that there is daily injustice for which i deserve resolution. i will never receive it and this thought haunts my soul.
others are better than me and they always will be. i will always be last and possibly resentful towards those who have worked and trained harder to be what they want.

one of the problems is i don't always know who or what i want to be. sometimes it seems that i could be a great family man, and great at work. there are a few facts to support this, but many times i don't feel confident enough in my life to press forward into uncharted territory and forge any life that i proclaim to want. i've given up on myself and thus have given up on everyone around me that i care or have cared about.

sometimes i think people want nothing more than to be held. however, we all have a varying amount of physical and emotional needles surrounding us, that prevent us from getting to close to one another without being hurt. i have been hurt and have definitely hurt others. when i truly think about it, the scales are actually unbalanced. i have delivered more pain than i've received.

maybe i will suffer like this until my debts are paid. maybe my debts are too great to ever be paid. knowing that you could never repay the pain you inflicted in life, would you still trek it out, in hopes that someday things will be better? there aren't many options, but there are always options.
i know that i am perceptive. i see most everything.. and i know that i am not the only one. surely others aren't blind to the elephants that stand in our rooms. sure, it's more comfortable to cast our eyes away, not look at the glaring truth. but we just accept that there is no threat of being trampled and continue our lives as if nothing has happened or will happen. i have made strides recently to tell the uncomfortable truth. it's not easy, it makes me feel good, but others feel worse i think. given the choice would you hold something in if you felt it would adversely affect someone else? lately i've thought it's better to tell all, but this is only a recent development.

i would rather ignore my evils and pretend that i'm some kind of good person. when i don't have true family or friends to be accountable to, i have been able to complete many actions that have helped others without much personal gain for myself. knowing this, it seems weird that i'm not able to do be a pillar of positivity for people closer to me, but that will be the topic of another post.

how the hell did i get here? why did i make decisions that resulted in negative things for others? i want to apologize for it all. to tell everyone i've ever wronged how i've wronged them and that i think about it daily, sometimes causing me to wonder if i'll ever be able to repay them fully. there is a good chance that i don't have what it takes to right peoples' lives in an equal and opposite way that i've wronged them. this excuse does not absolve me from trying however. i need to correct my actions before judging others and recognize that we are more similar than we are different.

admitting that "to make errors is human" is also excusing others to continue to commit wrongs as i have. no, we are all accountable. just b/c a drug dealer tells me not to jay-walk, i do not have the right to disregard his opinion. i know better. however different our infractions are, i am still breaking the law. will anyone ever catch me? no, they won't. or at least there's a really slim chance of it. but i will always know, and this prevents me from being anything close to the decent and caring person that i want to be.. meaning that if i chose to jay-walk, i chose a life of moral purgatory. i will forever trap myself within a cage that i've built from each small infractious needle of my wrong-doing. i refuse to hold myself down in this way, preventing me from helping myself or others. i will remind myself that taking the immediate and easy path always leads to trouble. No pain, no gain!