Repressing Depression

My depression, as may be the case for others, is based on feelings of hopelessness and self pity. Today I came to the conclusion that my depression is selfish. Believe it or not, accepting a depressed feeling as a nourishment of our own ego and self-serving act can actually help us snap out of it! Some thoughts on the topic:
Inspiration comes in many forms. I think 3 are vital to success: 1) another person 2) things we enjoy or once enjoyed (ie. hobbies, goals, dreams) 3) environment

1) My fastest, most effective and potent solution to feeling down is recognizing a positive within another person. Most of us can think of that one person that can get us to smile even when we don't want to :) Sometimes just thinking about that person can be enough! Allowing ourselves a window into someone else's life to view something good can break a cycle of narcissistic thought. The momentary lapse of inward thought is a breath of fresh air, allowing me to vicariously appreciate life through another's perspective. This is the most important step, as thinking about myself only perpetuates solitude and perceived lack of options.
  Appreciating the work or passion another person has can also be a very strong source of purpose. When I felt a loss of purpose in my life I looked outwardly. This is a double edged sword however. For example listening to sad music can amplify depression. I remember a boss i had once told me of his experience in counseling. The clinical diagnosis was simple: "stop listening to pink floyd". Apparently the music was depressing him and allowing him to maintain a cycle of inward, negative thought. So finding a truly positive external source can be tricky, but vital to a successful first step. Recently i have gravitated towards the inspirational writings found in online blogs. ie. www.chasingdragonsaway.com
  The authors have been so truthful and insightful in their passages that i felt new ambition to seek the truths of life within myself, as they had. After coming full circle i realized that i had not pulled myself out of a low by myself, but climbed a ladder (provided to me) to reach my own goals. This form of support by another person is the building block of developing a sense of purpose for everything we do with our lives.

2) For a long time all of my hobbies and interests seemed hollow without an audience. Hobbies are supposed to be things we do for ourselves, but somehow i needed someone to recognize me in order to feel good about what i was doing. After finding support in another, remembering what we used to enjoy can be the next solid step of finding that kind of happiness we had as children, when we used to run for no reason or chase each other around, ignoring societal perception.. creating our own rules and living, almost completely in the moment. The problem with my adult life is that i am constantly concerned about the future, neglecting the present and forgetful of the past.
  Today i woke up in a sea of self-pity, seeking to avoid the truth involved in confronting how i had wronged (or simply not cared about) most of the people in my life. A brief thought of someone else occurred to me, leading me to an inspirational article and the next thing ya know, i was riding down the street on a bicycle. The fresh air and sunlight opened a floodgate of childhood memories that reminded me: i used to mountain bike, this was one of my hobbies. A world of positive emotion and hope was attached to the simple exertion and accomplishment of making it to the top of a hill.. looking down on scenery, feeling alive!  Too often I forget how good the simple things of life are, especially when i close my eyes to them.

3) Fundamentally, the weather can determine what kind of day I'll have. However, I've spent many nice days inside 4 walls, preventing myself from enjoying air, sunlight, water and a million other tangible senses that life has to offer. After I've found inspiration and rediscovered what makes me feel good about myself, finding a nice environment goes a long way to refuel my passion for the day.  Waking up early in the morning has always been an exciting, though difficult, time for thought and action. The beginning of the day seems most hopeful! Anything is possible at 0600 in the morning with a full day open and available :)  Getting to this environment is more than 1/2 the battle. Once there, positive thoughts and actions usually seem to flow freely and naturally.. as if i had done them before, or as if i were tracing the actions of my life's picture over an outline i could see thru the paper.  without getting involved in destiny, i'll say that environment can also encompass the people and places around us. By surrounding myself with only positive (and good weather!), everything is easier... oversimplification, but have to wrap this up!

Before i thought about these 3 forms of inspiration, i would tell myself that repetition of a positive action would eventually lift anyone out of depression. I still think this can be effective, ie. working out, volunteering, attending social gatherings, keeping in contact with family/friends, etc.  Maybe the topic of another post.

For today, thank you to those that offer hope. You never know how far simple message might go or how many lives may be illuminated by one positive thought :) We are all in this together and i hope that i can pull my weight, as i've been pulled by others through 'hard times'. Thank you so much again to those that provide us tools and solutions.. you are my meaning and you give me purpose!
- looking forward again :D

Pulling teeth: pulling truth from lies

Lies. On some level i think that we all have lied, even if only to ourselves. Lies can be minor, major, unintentional, polite and a variety of other categories that i might not have time or space to identify. The thought that leads me to write today is: how do we know when we (or others) are lying. My ego desires to know when others aren't truthful, but it's infinitely more difficult and important that i identify lies within myself. As i see it, there are a few ways to identify a lie:

1. Continuity. Lies aren't as easily repeatable as the truth. Consciously creating fiction requires us to remember exactly what we said and thus the story may differ over time. When i tell the truth, it's always easier to recall the same way. This should hold true for others, logical to me at least.

2. Detail. Anyone can lie about something, but i would never be able to provide as much detail to a lie as i would the truth. Recalling truth doesn't inhibit us from remembering all truthful things surrounding a topic. Creating a lie also may require a person to create supporting lies. The truth, again, is easier to detail b/c all of the pieces fit together naturally. Because a lie is unnatural, it has the tendency of not fitting in with it's surroundings.

3. "Unpleasantry". Elements of the truth can be unpleasant, commonly referred to as "the truth hurts".. i imagine that most truths carry some element of rawness with them. "If it's too good to be true.." is a cynical way to to look at things and thus not great for determinations. Although truths may be raw, i don't think that convincing ourselves that anything is "too good" is beneficial. "Too good" is not a problem! Differentiating between  the unrefined sincerity of truth and the intentional negativity of cynicism.

--to be continued (TBC)

Bad guys finish.. 1st?

For most of my life i've played the role of "good guy" while my true effect on others has been more negative than positive. It wasn't until meeting my wife that i truly took an honest look at who i am and what i'm doing that i began to uncover the dirt that was hidden beneath a blanket of ego.  It's difficult to look in the mirror and tell myself exactly what i see without embellishing or enhancing (or degrading) myself. Today i see a man that has not kept all of his words. A man that hasn't listened or even made a full attempt to. A selfish, jealous and often hypocritical person. I expect trust for my "good" deeds, yet haven't awarded others this same trust.

To remain positive, i have noticed great actions by others recently (admittedly i have been jealous b/c i don't always have the coolest thoughts to help others feel good about themselves).. but even if i'm not capable of the exact same way, i'm learning how to attempt support of others good deeds. I would like to thank my angel for watching over me and guiding me thru a difficult part of life for those around me. Today i hope to do something nice for someone else without getting caught! :):):)

thank you so much to those who carry their smiles to others! i can't wait to be part of the club!! :)

the things they say..

Note(s) to self (and internet) for Sunday, 8 June 2012:

Recently suffering from lack of motivation and direction. I'm sure there are many available reactions to the presentation of different options in our lives. Namely when things appear to be overwhelming or unmanageable, the true question becomes: "what can i do today to feel as though i have accomplished something important". My problem has been shifting priorities too often. Sometimes we want to feel good about ourselves by staying late for work to help on that project, but what about our families waiting at home? Priorities. We all have them and i know that mine feel like they are always crumbling as a result of my continued inaction or mis-action (ie. attempting to correct a situation by using an incorrect solution).




just now i wondered: is it better to not act at all or act incorrectly? As i see it, i my past actions seem to haunt me more "quickly-er" than past inaction. For example, i purchased the wrong computer and the wrong car for my wife. Both actions might be considered "good", but i always look at them as last-minute, inconsiderate and thoughtless. Whereas my 30-day stint of doing absolutely nothing seems to be morbidly justified by "i don't know what to do". The obvious answer is >> think and feel first, then make the right decision the 1st time. I'm just completely incapable of this at the moment.. head feels like a 1000 volts went thru it and i'm barely capable of tying my own shoes in the morning. poor me.. yadda yadda




anyways, the best thing i can think to do when feeling like an absolute loser is to make a checklist of things to do! Most of mine never get done, and depression can result.. double-edged sword kinda.. so users of this tactic "at our own risk". Doing what i say and being a man of my word.. topic of different post.

For today, here are my priorities:

TASKS:

1. Set up insurance (100%) for car + Fix vegas phone plan >> order food??

2. Restore all internet, computer, phone and media monitoring systems to "Zero-Doubt-Level" (ZDL)

3. Find way to restore all "Korea rules" immediately >> ie. setup auto-pays for rent, maybe month-long pass for taxi? >> suggest month taxi card idea to base along w/ auto-pay for renters

4. plan visit to vegas + korea visit (start thinking about feb?)

4a. visa requirements

4b. tickets

4c. what to do??!!

5a. assignment counselor > ask options for requesting Nellis/Las Vegas

5b. family readiness > ask about nellis

5c. msgt williams > ask about nellis

5d. email old boss > civilian position @ nellis?

5e. get nat. guard contact @ nellis > ask options

5f. THRMIS website > check manning levels (maybe volunteer for 820 RHS non-airborne?)

6. post resume USAjobs.gov

7. email airborne flight

8. finish book

9. mail packages

10. update receipt book

11. bug guy? when coming to 1308 again?

12. freak out for no reason

13 try to remember all the stuff i don't remember that i was supposed to do in a previous checklist




will leave it there for now, maybe update this later







GOALS:

start being an adult again

1 compliment/day, 1 nice thing/week :)

name daily positives

smoking cessation class

gym

Insta-karma (just add trust)

After the dust had settled in the battlefield of my brain-land, the forces of positive thought collected their wounded and retreated back to claim their rightful place in my conscious mind. For too long i've allowed minions of negativity to rule within me, and i know they still may reign in certain parts of my cranial regions.. for now... but we were able to win my internal war with a simple realization: think positive. It sounds ridiculously simple, but for a cynic it can be a daily battle.

**quick note: i don't think any one person can conquer their demons to claim such important realizations within themselves without the help of another. I'm blessed to have, literally, the smartest, most insightful, loving/gentle and caring person in the world (my wife) on my side, helping, supporting and guiding me during my battles (against myself, i know that sounds weird!). I must give credit to her for my recent epiphany.. her ideas are beautiful and really work! trying to talk her into counseling, but that's for another time..




anyways, the battle was won by the light, darkness retreating to nurse it's wounds in dark corners. from now on the kingdom of my mind is being ruled by (what i hope to be) benevolence. These forces seem firm, strong and foreign, yet strangely known to me. As if they rode in on an external thought and found the support of the people.. long live the +! at any rate, i'm very glad for the recent clicks that have happened within me. Not 100% sure what they are, but continue to attempt to develop and shape them into a better.. something..




**quick worry: there is a bit of current instability, as the good feelings created confidence and my confidence has always been attached to arrogance. This may be a difficult monster to separate (arrogance from the more pure form of confidence), but have started to notice it... again, never on my own :)




so the effects of recent (seemingly positive) developments in emotionalitude.

-almost developed a solution to appease the true feelings of three people.. didn't quite happen.. or wasn't successful this time around, but still trying

- helped a person financially:




**quick story:

someone i worked with approached me b/c they had lost their debit card. asked if i could help. my wife and i agreed to assist this person with a transfer until their card arrived. the process was relatively quick, the person's parents forwarded us some money and we gave it to mr. no-card-o. Instantly the person offered to help us initiate automatic transfers with the foreign bank here (he speaks the local language).. this was shocking, as my wife and i had just discussed attempting to direct-deposit our foreign rent. I guess the moral of the story is having a positive outlook, trusting people can be rewarding in ways we can't even imagine!

more on this later possibly (or edited version) as i don't think i've fully captured the "twilight zone-ed-ness" of this situation..




conclusive evidence and closing remarks:

listen to others more, trust more, maybe expect less? < not sure about this one, expect more (of myself, always), listen again!

PTPA (positive thoughts, positive actions)

and we lived in a shoe, that didn't fit

today's thoughts:
i don't think i would be a fit parent. i've heard that i'm good with children, but maybe i just tell myself that.. or elicit that opinion from others b/c i'm really not a prime candidate. i've had the occasion to be around kids (as an adult). the earliest instance i can remember was dating "sarah" who had a 3 year old girl. i remember most actions that would be classified as parental seemed natural. we played games, watched videos (the same barney VHS over and over.. ad nauseam!), but i don't remember being irritated or angry. then again, i was only part of sarah's life for a short time, maybe 6-8 months before we went our separate ways.
I remember another time "lindsey" (sarah's daughter) hit her mom in the face (not hard at all by the way, but enough of a sound was made to be shocking). Sarah was a very relaxed person, almost motionless at times, and didn't do anything about said face-slappery. For some reason I took matters into my own hands (no slaps or anything of the sort) and took Lindsey to the corner, which she refused to stay in. So I stood there with her, almost in some menacing way now that i think about it (maybe it's just that we seem so much taller as adults).. until Lindsey agreed to apologize to her mom. this occurred fairly quickly, approximately 5 minutes.. and some crying was involved upon realization that the corner was a quasi-permanent residence. When she came back from her time served where the walls meet, she kissed her mom and said sorry. This seems like a normal parental thing to do right? but i'm still not sure. I was proud for a while, (both of my action and Lindsey's sincerity in her apology) but what if Lindsey has nightmares of being in the corner, hovered over by her 'parental figure'. I don't know what is right really.. other people's lives are too delicate, even as adults, for me to say with any certainty that "i know what is best for a person".. but don't parental-people have to be unwavering? surely they can't always be right! The fresh prince has extrapolated that rearers of children "just don't understand".. i want to understand!  furthermore what if being a parent means losing your "cool"? being made fun of by children doesn't sound fun.. erf, tangent..

I think that i was raised with a good structure of activity that helps me today. I learned to draw, paint, build things and some forms of physical activity (ie. throwing a football, martial arts and music). however, what i did not learn, or at least did not choose to absorb or retain, was the ability to love another person more than myself. How do you teach that? or can it even be learned? I wouldn't want the shame of not communicating this ability to the next generation, hence my doubts regarding the worthiness of parentilitude. Is anyone ever really ready for this responsibility? do we honestly consider what it means to bring another life into the world? People are completely dependent on their parents for the better part of 2 decades. (sometimes 3 in europe!) Is that a thought that prospective mothers and fathers have before they.. well you know. hehe  or do we just follow our instincts and trust that we'll know what to do when we get there?

sometimes it seems i over-analyze.. but what is action without thought? meaningless or instinctual? prophetic, predestined, pre-programmed or maybe it's chance plus environmental factors? Each person born deserves the best environment possible. Yet i've heard stories of people living in shoes.. apparently until their old. does this suggest that any environment can sustain life? Another skepticism of mine: i'm not sure that i can provide the correct environment that a child deserves. The nature of my job and dynamic of the households i've been a part of usually haven't been conducive to a healthy learning environment. Though i've been trained on how to be organized in life and in possessions, i continue to lead a trashy existence in which i don't value the things around me. For example, i've let my guard down to intruding roaches who fueled an entire scorpion and spider revolution! We are still at war with the nasty buggers, but even one of these might be enough to endanger a small life.
Anyways, it's not always the material world that is worrisome.. most of that stuff can be fixed with logic and dedication. I just had the thought today: what is a good parent and when/how do you know if you are actually prepared to accept the greatest responsibility of all...?

write n' wrong

since when did being so right feel so wrong?

or being so wrong feel so right?




i stumbled across another "truth" today that i've just realized isn't true. it is beginning to seem like i'm living in some matrix that others don't understand.. or that i'm outside of the normal world b/c i don't understand how to live and operate in it..








because i've given up things that have become part of me (for better or worse), i have become indignant.


i look down on others for not sacrificing in the way that i have. yet any 3rd party can see that what i consider sacrifice is actually what many people consider "living a normal life". Not Drinking, not watching porn and not acting on any impulse that negatively affects another should be part of the human code. i have violated the human code as i was growing up and only within the last few months have amended my actions to reflect those of any regular person with a pulse and 1/2 a brain. i've been given more than most people ever dream of. An amazing wife, a great job, a nice home and a fluffy animal that loves us unconditional (as long as we provide cat food). i think a lot of people would be thrilled to be in my situation! yet i continue to gripe and complain about meaningless and mundane things.. this prevents me from seeing the greater picture: my life is great! i should feel lucky to have these gifts and those around me should know without question how awesome i feel as a result of my current surroundings and future potential.i will admit if asked, i can't really provide any negative fact that would justify the sadness and anger that i feel sometimes. i feel that my wife doesn't trust me and that i shouldn't trust her, yet if you look at the facts she has always trusted me and even stood up for me when i've been wrong. just today i dwelled upon my self-pity so long that i kept her up until her shift at work started. i didn't think "o wow, she needs to eat breakfast soon" or "her shift starts in a few hours, she might need some sleep" (even after being told what time her shift started numerous times the day before). These things did not pop into my brain b/c it was more important to me to feel good about myself. that i was doing right and she was doing wrong. after taking sleep time away, i probably made her feel like shit right before she had to go to work.

try to imagine this feeling. Tired, hungry and thousands of miles away from someone that is supposed to care about you (more than anyone in the world) and being called a liar or a cheat when you haven't done anything. my wife is actually too good of a person to have done this to me, actually i've never experienced anything like it, but i can barely grasp the amount of bullshit i might feel if this happened to me. starting out a day in a negative way is never good, but if you add emotional stress to physical stress, there's just a receipe for disaster. during these times i just want to shake myself, punch myself in the face and say "wake up you idiot! look what you are doing!" even then i'm worried i wouldn't even realize it b/c i am that selfish. i'm more concerned with my feelings or just curiosity and ego than another person's health and well-being. good lord. when this type of realization hits me i'm dumb founded. how could i ever do such a thing? but there it is, staring me in the face. this is not something that i can write off as "that was a different person". this just happened not hours, but a matter of minutes ago! apparently the steps and "sacrifices" i'm making are not enough to change my mindset to that of a person that actually cares for another. this is a very sad prospect and one that i hope to change by documenting feelings of "write" or wrong on this blog.




today is monday, the start of a new week. we will go to work with problems on our mind, further creating stress b/c we will in no way be focused on work. it all seems trivial when there are such significant problems that haven't been addressed. 3rd parties are a great idea, counseling and all that, but will they ever truly know the inner workings of our brains? probably not. there's a slight chance that a marriage counselor could

help, if i was 100% honest with them about my inner self. but who really wants to tell the ugly truth about themselves to a complete stranger? i don't feel they've earned it (as my wife has), so would feel hesitant to accept the diagnosis of someone who can never know the full truth. there will have to be another blog on professional 3rd parties, as i have a lot of differing opinions and feelings about them. for the time being, i have my primary counselor and will continue sessions until progress ceases or i am told otherwise.




when we arrive at work, tired b/c i've chosen to keep myself us awake. we will not perform well (or as well as if there were a full night's sleep supporting us). for me this takes the form of being late to a meeting or missing an appointment that is important for the job. of course things aren't too bad, my wife goes to work without sleep constantly and there is always coffee available to get us through that one day we decided to stay up. however, i'm more concerned with a pattern. how do we establish healthy eating and sleeping times to maintain the energy levels we need throughout the day? we actually have a great jobs! they are rewarding, have great social interaction (from funny people), show visible progress and there is ample opportunity for reward, recognition and promotion.




in my line of work, there is one major and possibly legitimate drawback: i must stay away from my wife and family for extended amounts of time. i think yet another post should be dedicated to the pros and cons of stable employment versus family time. for now i will conclude by saying that i am glad for blogs, as they allow us to record our thoughts and actions for later review. a lot of times i don't see the effect my actions have on others and i am glad that there is a way to document and later reflect on what i've done. i hope at some point this does affect change within me and ceases to affect others in any negative ways that i'm not paying attention to.




note to future self reading this:

- trust your wife!

- trust yourself

- trust that both of you know what's best and make decisions accordingly

- speak the truth, always (even when uncomfortable or awkward)

- utilize the tools around you for improvement! there's always something that can help your current situation and if you don't see it, you aren't looking hard enough

- think of others before you think of yourself. develop an excerise to practice



this. may be something like "do something every day that you don't want to do that would really help someone else". today i will wake up in an hour or so to wish my wife a good day at work, and then conserve the amount of cigarettes i smoke to save money for my family. shooting for only 1 after each meal and maybe 2 when i get home. so 5 total! will check back with the blog to report the news. hopefully it is good.

Me (x3) + FTW = X?

i feel like a fucking idiot. i've thrown away all my rights to have feelings like a normal person. i was given chances time and time again to prove myself, but instead i sat on my fictious high-horse, refusing to acknowledge or support others. so now i get what i deserve. pain. a deep inner pain that lets me know i'm capable of feeling, but only negative emotions b/c that's what i've injected into the world.

with a sense of karma, i know that this is how it should be. those that do not show love should not receive it. why then am i so hurt? each action i've made, thousands of them over the last year, points to only self-serving, individualistic survival. i haven't even made significant strides to improve myself, yet i perceive that the world owes me something. that there is daily injustice for which i deserve resolution. i will never receive it and this thought haunts my soul.
others are better than me and they always will be. i will always be last and possibly resentful towards those who have worked and trained harder to be what they want.

one of the problems is i don't always know who or what i want to be. sometimes it seems that i could be a great family man, and great at work. there are a few facts to support this, but many times i don't feel confident enough in my life to press forward into uncharted territory and forge any life that i proclaim to want. i've given up on myself and thus have given up on everyone around me that i care or have cared about.

sometimes i think people want nothing more than to be held. however, we all have a varying amount of physical and emotional needles surrounding us, that prevent us from getting to close to one another without being hurt. i have been hurt and have definitely hurt others. when i truly think about it, the scales are actually unbalanced. i have delivered more pain than i've received.

maybe i will suffer like this until my debts are paid. maybe my debts are too great to ever be paid. knowing that you could never repay the pain you inflicted in life, would you still trek it out, in hopes that someday things will be better? there aren't many options, but there are always options.
i know that i am perceptive. i see most everything.. and i know that i am not the only one. surely others aren't blind to the elephants that stand in our rooms. sure, it's more comfortable to cast our eyes away, not look at the glaring truth. but we just accept that there is no threat of being trampled and continue our lives as if nothing has happened or will happen. i have made strides recently to tell the uncomfortable truth. it's not easy, it makes me feel good, but others feel worse i think. given the choice would you hold something in if you felt it would adversely affect someone else? lately i've thought it's better to tell all, but this is only a recent development.

i would rather ignore my evils and pretend that i'm some kind of good person. when i don't have true family or friends to be accountable to, i have been able to complete many actions that have helped others without much personal gain for myself. knowing this, it seems weird that i'm not able to do be a pillar of positivity for people closer to me, but that will be the topic of another post.

how the hell did i get here? why did i make decisions that resulted in negative things for others? i want to apologize for it all. to tell everyone i've ever wronged how i've wronged them and that i think about it daily, sometimes causing me to wonder if i'll ever be able to repay them fully. there is a good chance that i don't have what it takes to right peoples' lives in an equal and opposite way that i've wronged them. this excuse does not absolve me from trying however. i need to correct my actions before judging others and recognize that we are more similar than we are different.

admitting that "to make errors is human" is also excusing others to continue to commit wrongs as i have. no, we are all accountable. just b/c a drug dealer tells me not to jay-walk, i do not have the right to disregard his opinion. i know better. however different our infractions are, i am still breaking the law. will anyone ever catch me? no, they won't. or at least there's a really slim chance of it. but i will always know, and this prevents me from being anything close to the decent and caring person that i want to be.. meaning that if i chose to jay-walk, i chose a life of moral purgatory. i will forever trap myself within a cage that i've built from each small infractious needle of my wrong-doing. i refuse to hold myself down in this way, preventing me from helping myself or others. i will remind myself that taking the immediate and easy path always leads to trouble. No pain, no gain!