Each day I receive new information. Some of it conflicting, some confusing, all influencing my perception and thought process. Normally i find that in processing new info, i tend to gravitate towards outcomes involving a path of least resistance or difficulty for me.
Being non-confrontational has been viewed in a positive light in my life thus far. Not actively seeking to disagree with others seems to make most people content in a group environment. However, this way of thinking and living leads to a loss of personal importance and possibly a weakness outside of the group. I now realize that there are individual choices that require and solely rely upon an ability to make a steadfast decision. Sadly, even as i write this i have not changed. Monday will come and my habitual, apathetic method will continue. I've read that breaking a cycle involves recognizing the behavior and more importantly what benefit this behavior is to us. Even negative behaviors can offer a perceived "reward" in my mind, motivating the desire to continue. One behavior that i would like to correct is lying to agree. Often times i find myself agreeing or making decisions because i have no opinion or a strong desire to be accepted or liked. Inability to make decisions can be an undesirable trait. Uncomfortable, awkward or weird are a few words that might describe timid individuals. I find myself repelled by indecision most times, yet recognize the same trait within myself. Those without personal conviction lack character. I lack character, or at least the ability to allow myself to experience confidence.
Putting a mask over this can be very difficult as nothing i say or do will truly make others happy if i am insincere or depressing. Climbing out of depression is a self-centered journey and a catch-22. I cannot be positive for others until i am positive myself, yet focusing on myself is not helping others. Continue to seek the middle path.
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