Living with Apathy

Clinging to hope i sit alone in my room, allowing the past and future to cloud my present. External motivations control my life and i sucumb to their will. A cigarrette here, an obligation there, and somewhere in between an eternity of time to lose and find myself in. What are my hobbies? What makes me feel good, if not the comfort provided by others? More recently I've wondered what to do in the absence of comfort. For so long I've been emotionally supported by my wife, who is able to make me feel much better with a single word, thought or pair of new underwear. No one else has been able to make me feel the way she does and without her near me I feel alone and unsure. Secretly i want her to make everything in my life better, i want her to fix me without consideration of the love and support that she needs. I know that in ideal marriages, each person carries the other. I have not carried her, yet i want to be carried.. nursed, treated like a child without responsibility. If everyone chose to live as i want to nothing would ever be accomplished. Life can be easier when someone else makes the decision for us. The entire system almost seems set up to make us scratch our heads. Aside from religion, education and success only show us how much we don't know. Climbing the social  ladder places us further away from any true meaning. The only solution i see is mindless structure. By developing a repeatable routine, we can distract our conscious mind long enough to allow the unconscious to figure out what it wants and needs. Everyone will have moments of clarity, passion, extreme happiness.. usually not as fast as we'd like however. I am part of the 'instant gratification generation'. Lounging in pity, I exempt myself from judgement, immune to my own actions and place blame somewhere that it won't affect me as directly. This is incorrect. I have done wrong and I am the only one to make it right. The difficulty is acquiring the confidence to take contol of my life without arrogance. I am unable to do it. Each time my confidence arrives, arrogance and selfishness come with it.