The Island of Yang

Positivity: the natural choice? Yang Island represents every good choice I've made.. paying for someone's meal, dedicating a day to helping a friend move, being available for friends and family when needed.. anything and everything involved with assisting another human is "good". There are, however, good decisions that are positive for me like: marrying Lisa, joining the USAF, working out/education, etc. From afar, all of these choices are easy. Why wouldn't we choose what is best for others or at least ourselves? I can only think of one reason: if we aren't truly helping. The only thing more dangerous than one person doing harm to another, is the "harmer" that believes they are helping. There have been a few times where I've hindered (maybe harmed?) others as I patted myself on the back for helping them. Once I loaned someone a car for a few months. Although it enabled them to get to work and be productive, I also stripped them of any motivation to save up for their own car. Alternatively, I could have purchased them a bus pass until they were ready to drive. Riding the bus every day would have been unpleasant, but possibly more appropriate in really helping the individual develop a lasting strength for themselves. This may also just be my cop-out for not wanting to invest time in people anymore.. I'm not sure where the truth lies, but I know that if we really care about someone we care most about their long-term success than short term gratification.

Now the difficult question: "why, if Yang Island is filled with positivity and good, would you not reside there?" Well, one must keep in mind that although nature is beautiful it is dangerous to us and us to it. Many of the larger animal inhabitants of Yang could crush me just as easily as I could crush other, smaller lifeforms there. I fear perfection or anything close, as I am ugly and flawed inside. Being reminded of my flaws distances me from the fictitious character I've created and outwardly projected. In contrast, I am viewed as a better entity on island Yin. I deserve to suffer, yet suffering may occur at either island. Why not suffer and deal with the feelings of imperfection for a chance at supreme happiness rather than accept the shame, self-pity and comfort of darkness? If what i deserve is to feel pain, then I should feel pain with gain.. not with shame... nor in the rain, unless it reigns..
I apologize for gratuitous, unneccessary rhyming..

Either way it is scary to confront my feelings, so I avoid them. Staying in the boat, directionless, feels like I haven't lost yet. Hopefully I don't spend an entire life here in the calm, stagnant water, but I am petrified (frozen to the bone) of making the wrong decision.