Clinging to hope i sit alone in my room, allowing the past and future to cloud my present. External motivations control my life and i sucumb to their will. A cigarrette here, an obligation there, and somewhere in between an eternity of time to lose and find myself in. What are my hobbies? What makes me feel good, if not the comfort provided by others? More recently I've wondered what to do in the absence of comfort.
I must remember to eat and sleep mechanically, for i do not crave these things most times. My body is disconnected from my mind and they can go hours without talking. I'm wrapped up inside just waiting for someone to care enough to unravel me. I promise that i'm worth it! Sometimes i think a few passers-by see me. They are the silver lining to the rain cloud that defines me. Recently i've wondered if i am the cloud. Instead of inconviencing people and darkening their day, i could be productive/realistic and water plants or something. After all, water is a primary source of life. Many people think of the sun as the provider of life, and do not wish to oppose their belief, the sun is wonderful. However, all life came from the sea, so maybe we can value water just as much as light. Maybe this mentality would allow my storm cloud to be less dark? Maybe one day i'll shoot sunbeams out of my eyes.. who knows!
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