The Island of Yang

Positivity: the natural choice? Yang Island represents every good choice I've made.. paying for someone's meal, dedicating a day to helping a friend move, being available for friends and family when needed.. anything and everything involved with assisting another human is "good". There are, however, good decisions that are positive for me like: marrying Lisa, joining the USAF, working out/education, etc. From afar, all of these choices are easy. Why wouldn't we choose what is best for others or at least ourselves? I can only think of one reason: if we aren't truly helping. The only thing more dangerous than one person doing harm to another, is the "harmer" that believes they are helping. There have been a few times where I've hindered (maybe harmed?) others as I patted myself on the back for helping them. Once I loaned someone a car for a few months. Although it enabled them to get to work and be productive, I also stripped them of any motivation to save up for their own car. Alternatively, I could have purchased them a bus pass until they were ready to drive. Riding the bus every day would have been unpleasant, but possibly more appropriate in really helping the individual develop a lasting strength for themselves. This may also just be my cop-out for not wanting to invest time in people anymore.. I'm not sure where the truth lies, but I know that if we really care about someone we care most about their long-term success than short term gratification.

Now the difficult question: "why, if Yang Island is filled with positivity and good, would you not reside there?" Well, one must keep in mind that although nature is beautiful it is dangerous to us and us to it. Many of the larger animal inhabitants of Yang could crush me just as easily as I could crush other, smaller lifeforms there. I fear perfection or anything close, as I am ugly and flawed inside. Being reminded of my flaws distances me from the fictitious character I've created and outwardly projected. In contrast, I am viewed as a better entity on island Yin. I deserve to suffer, yet suffering may occur at either island. Why not suffer and deal with the feelings of imperfection for a chance at supreme happiness rather than accept the shame, self-pity and comfort of darkness? If what i deserve is to feel pain, then I should feel pain with gain.. not with shame... nor in the rain, unless it reigns..
I apologize for gratuitous, unneccessary rhyming..

Either way it is scary to confront my feelings, so I avoid them. Staying in the boat, directionless, feels like I haven't lost yet. Hopefully I don't spend an entire life here in the calm, stagnant water, but I am petrified (frozen to the bone) of making the wrong decision.

Islandic Travel

The internal conflict of thought wages on. Yin + Yang particulates have settled in the swirling waters of my brain, solidifying two distinct and opposing islands of truth. Both are right, both are wrong. Both 100% me, yet in competition for conscious thought. Neither yields nor advances thru my mind's eye to reality. I can't determine if residence at either place would unbalance an ecosystem, so I spend most of my time traveling between the islands. Each is inviting and offers sanctuary. Each is scary and confusing. I want someone with me, so I condemn yet another traveler to this purgatorial vacation. Failed "saintly" intercessions convince me that the the heavens are writing to me in nimbus, offering reasons to be here or there. Unsure if I'm hallucianting or not, I find myself talking to the floating, wind-washed formations.. questioning them, yelling frustrations at them.. and then feeling like an  idiot afterwards. I am no closer to understanding by doing any of these things, i think? Furthermore, why would I assume my plight has any affect on the structure of the world. I am an ant! Nature is so beautiful in its complexity, but my inability to listen to the earth makes me unworthy, as I do not contribute.
For most of life I've considered "logic over faith" a pillar of correct decision-making. However, my personal convictions have never been strong enough to anchor an unbreakable chain of logic to. So I live in the boat. Sea life isn't entirely bad. The ocean provides food and fresh water is abundant on either island. I never stay long on land, but make time to collect enough resources to sustain another trip. I wonder if others live this way? Maybe some prefer travel over fighting against nature to carve out a home in a wild environment?
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the island of Yin (to be continued)..

Earth Wind + Fire (water?)

Clinging to hope i sit alone in my room, allowing the past and future to cloud my present. External motivations control my life and i sucumb to their will. A cigarrette here, an obligation there, and somewhere in between an eternity of time to lose and find myself in. What are my hobbies? What makes me feel good, if not the comfort provided by others? More recently I've wondered what to do in the absence of comfort.
I must remember to eat and sleep mechanically, for i do not crave these things most times. My body is disconnected from my mind and they can go hours without talking. I'm wrapped up inside just waiting for someone to care enough to unravel me. I promise that i'm worth it! Sometimes i think a few passers-by see me. They are the silver lining to the rain cloud that defines me. Recently i've wondered if i am the cloud. Instead of inconviencing people and darkening their day, i could be productive/realistic and water plants or something. After all, water is a primary source of life. Many people think of the sun as the provider of life, and  do not wish to oppose their belief, the sun is wonderful. However, all life came from the sea, so maybe we can value water just as much as light. Maybe this mentality would allow my storm cloud to be less dark? Maybe one day i'll shoot sunbeams out of my eyes.. who knows!

Living with Apathy

Clinging to hope i sit alone in my room, allowing the past and future to cloud my present. External motivations control my life and i sucumb to their will. A cigarrette here, an obligation there, and somewhere in between an eternity of time to lose and find myself in. What are my hobbies? What makes me feel good, if not the comfort provided by others? More recently I've wondered what to do in the absence of comfort. For so long I've been emotionally supported by my wife, who is able to make me feel much better with a single word, thought or pair of new underwear. No one else has been able to make me feel the way she does and without her near me I feel alone and unsure. Secretly i want her to make everything in my life better, i want her to fix me without consideration of the love and support that she needs. I know that in ideal marriages, each person carries the other. I have not carried her, yet i want to be carried.. nursed, treated like a child without responsibility. If everyone chose to live as i want to nothing would ever be accomplished. Life can be easier when someone else makes the decision for us. The entire system almost seems set up to make us scratch our heads. Aside from religion, education and success only show us how much we don't know. Climbing the social  ladder places us further away from any true meaning. The only solution i see is mindless structure. By developing a repeatable routine, we can distract our conscious mind long enough to allow the unconscious to figure out what it wants and needs. Everyone will have moments of clarity, passion, extreme happiness.. usually not as fast as we'd like however. I am part of the 'instant gratification generation'. Lounging in pity, I exempt myself from judgement, immune to my own actions and place blame somewhere that it won't affect me as directly. This is incorrect. I have done wrong and I am the only one to make it right. The difficulty is acquiring the confidence to take contol of my life without arrogance. I am unable to do it. Each time my confidence arrives, arrogance and selfishness come with it.

Life underwater

Sounds are dull, bubbles escape my lips and frantically dash to a surface that i can't see. I can't tell if i'm sinking or suspended at this depth. The ocean life around me churns slowly, the friction of water pressing against every movement.  Somewhere up there i imagine ships are passing by, possibly looking for lost souls in the abyss. No one sees that i am here though, reinforcing a solitude that is both peaceful and terrifying. If i squint i can see that others are here. Bubbles run from them as well, but the deep tones are indecipherable. Will i get to know them? I wonder what words might be trapped in those tiny air pockets. If i could, somehow, catch and understand the trapped words would we communicate? A strange mismatch occurs between thought and action. Thoughts move quickly, always evolving and branching into complex ideas. Motion seems to be a different realm entirely. The simplest tasks are long and drawn out. A certain grace is exihibited during these slow movements, but most would wish for land.

The middle path

Each day I receive new information. Some of it conflicting, some confusing, all influencing my perception and thought process. Normally i find that in processing new info, i tend to gravitate towards outcomes involving a path of least resistance or difficulty for me.
Being non-confrontational has been viewed in a positive light in my life thus far. Not actively seeking to disagree with others seems to make most people content in a group environment. However, this way of thinking and living leads to a loss of personal importance and possibly a weakness outside of the group. I now realize that there are individual choices that require and solely rely upon an ability to make a steadfast decision. Sadly, even as i write this i have not changed. Monday will come and my habitual, apathetic method will continue. I've read that breaking a cycle involves recognizing the behavior and more importantly what benefit this behavior is to us. Even negative behaviors can offer a perceived "reward" in my mind, motivating the desire to continue. One behavior that i would like to correct is lying to agree. Often times i find myself agreeing or making decisions because i have no opinion or a strong desire to be accepted or liked. Inability to make decisions can be an undesirable trait. Uncomfortable, awkward or weird are a few words that might describe timid individuals. I find myself repelled by indecision most times, yet recognize the same trait within myself. Those without personal conviction lack character. I lack character, or at least the ability to allow myself to experience confidence.
Putting a mask over this can be very difficult as nothing i say or do will truly make others happy if i am insincere or depressing. Climbing out of depression is a self-centered journey and a catch-22. I cannot be positive for others until i am positive myself, yet focusing on myself is not helping others. Continue to seek the middle path.