FUI-OD: (flying under the influence of a dream)

3 may 12 I have  lied. Once is usually unacceptable, but I've probably lied 100s, maybe 1000s of times. Why? The strange thing is that most of the topics Ive hidden are not inherently bad, although there are a few. Most people would accept the truth without punishing me for my actions, thoughts or opinions. So why lie? As best as I can tell, I've lied to myself most of my life. From exaggerating the facts for a better story to premeditated negative impacts on other people's lives (or even my own!). I think that my favorite (aka most used) lies are exaggeration and omission. "Bold faced" lies, or "the sky is red" lies are more difficult as the liar has to actually alter their perception in order to believe any bullshit generated this way. I have many bold-faced lies under my belt. Currently, I've been called out on 3-4 of them and now I'm working on routing out any more that might be hiding.  Detaching from an intricate fantasy world that I've created has been challenging. Sometimes I want to slip back there, just for a second.. Just to rest. What the liar must realize, however, is that rest is much more fulfilling on the truthful side of the fence. Less to remember, less to forget. Less pain, heartbreak and betrayal to those we love most. Sounds like a great deal! So why am i just now signing up for this offer at age 30? Somewhere along the line ive convinced myself to value fiction over fact. The exact reason for this still eludes me, as I understand the numerous emotional benefits of honesty.  The problem with fantasy is that living there too long makes the crash back to reality that much harder. I've had a few minor crashes in my life, but none as destructive as my recent fall. I'm not hurt, but I've killed a plane full of emotions for the person I care most about.  At first I was piloting our lives to a sunny island destination. When I woke up from my fantasy the plane was damaged and quickly losing altitude. Panic seemed to override emotion as I sat frozen in my chair.  I've never been sure what I'd do in an emergency situation like this.. Even tho ive caused this tragedy, it is somehow foreign to me. I want reality to be the dream and wake up in a tropical destination: denial.  Sometimes I think that few people know until they get there. Other times I see survivors that look prepared and confident. She is a survivor. Even tho she is battered, bruised and has lost some sense of direction, I see that she is helping others before herself. She pulled me out of dangers way. She saved my life. Yet I'm frozen. Unable to offer even the slightest grain of gratitude as we plummet to our demise. Lives were entrusted to me and now they are in danger b/c I fell asleep at the wheel. Good pilots dont kill people. She knows it is my fault, yet her eyes comfort me. How strange! I have taken so much from her, but she tries to understand.  A quiet anarchy storms over every chair and down every aisle. Nobody knows that we didn't have to crash, that I could have saved us before leaving the ground. She knows. She always does. This has happened before and she was there and survived. I denied her predictions of it happening again, but here we are.  For a while I sat down and talked. We are all going to die and I'm asking her how her day was? How Trivial and inhuman. She converses as if nothing is wrong, just to ease my pain. More lights, more smoke.. We are falling faster. As I get up to tie my shoes, I knock over a fire extinguisher and injure her again. Having sustained so many traumatic impacts already, I am terrified that this perfect person might not see the light of day again.  She is now the only reason in life. she must be saved. There must be some hope for both of. us, if only I can finish tieing my shoes and find it.  it's nice to have scapegoat words such as: subconscious, habit, Impulse, fear, danger, etc. Yet, at the end of the day, there are very few problems in life that wouldn't be better off with a truthful resolution.