Fixin' Addiction's Fiction

No lengthy stories or paragraphs today, just an amazing link that i came across (no pun intended):

http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/05/how-to-stop-porn-addiction-stop-watching-porn/

This is not just for pornaholics or those hooked on substance, sex, gambling or any other compulsive behavior..  If you have ever felt compelled to do anything that has negatively affected your life, or if you have ever felt "held back" by your own actions, this article has some awesome, practical insight that might help :)

(excerpt - one of the cooler parts i think!)

"Feed the right wolf"

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside all people. He said, “My son, the battle is between two ‘wolves’ inside us all.

“One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

“The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Princess & the Dragon

I have become my father. A warden. I've trapped someone in their own mind and thrown away what keys I know to exist. I've let addiction get the better of myself and my princess. Sometimes I dream that she is locked in a tower. Tears of self pity cloud my vision as I look at my empty key ring. There isn't time for guilt or remorse, only to find or make another way in.

Irresponsibility. Blame. Guilt. Selfishness.

 For the first time maybe ever, I think of what life in the tower might be like. It hurts so much. The pain of isolation hasn't seemed real, not b/c it's uncomfortable to think about, but b/c i chose to think of myself first. The small glimpse that I was able to hold for a moment felt like waking from a dream. Sneaking downstairs to escape and seeing a guard is now enough to seek refuge in the familiar, comfortable prison waiting upstairs. 

 Realization. Panic. Distress. 

I know she's still there. Beyond the hardships, scrapes and bruises I see her sometimes. The smiling girl a father raised trying to tell us her story. Shedding what light she can on a situation that no one else has the compassion or strength to share. I wonder how hard it is to break the mold, to fight something that so many have succumbed to. A dagger in my heart stirs when I attempt to empathize. Why doesn't she have a true sword or shield? These things are common. A princess to fight a dragon by herself, without an army, without weapons or armor.. this would be the time in the movie when people are moved to take a stand. 

Hope. Community. Rebellion. 

Thought i haven't thought of it often, i now desperately pray for action. Wish for solutions. Seek to find the knight within myself and rally the support of others. Things will not get better on their own. Those pushed into slavery must make every effort to escape, but it's much easier if there's a safe house along the path. We must be here, a bright light in our window.. warm food and clothes in our rooms.. love and acceptance on our faces and in our hearts and minds. There is no judgement for those that have suffered. We need to patch the torn skin on the backs of those that are still enslaved and move them further from the whip. Closer to home, freedom and a life of community and true enjoyment.

Conflict. Resolution. Help.

Today it was shocking to look at the progression. "How did I get here" is only overshadowed by "where is this going". The stories of others are encapsulated in grains of sand that fill the hourglass of my life. I hope that by saving just a few grains of sand, we won't run out of time.  

Porn vs Life (ch. 2)

Today i received an email from "ChristianMingle.com".  How did I end up on this email list?  As a married man, i would like to present my excuses as follows:

1) I am not (and to my knowledge never have been) Christian. So this would preclude any google-related activity involving said religion.

2) I don't imagine there are many pop-ups for "meet hot christian singles now".. are there? Maybe they are heated by an external, subterranean source?  Maybe an 11th commandment is in order for the internet?

3) Granted that i am a man of my word and have not personally signed up for this service, would it be possible for good christians to acquire my personal information and/or email address from a 3rd party service? possibly one who profits from porn websites?

Not much insight today, as my research continues i hope to find that this is not all my doing.. but may discover that signing up for a website lead me here in the first place. I promise that i will share information as i find it and continue to hope that others stay away from these websites.. or at least change your information once and while.

the internet is not as secure as we think! please be cautious out there and as always please contact me with your experiences :)

Porn vs Life

The following is a cut/copy conversation i had with a "live help/support" agent to determine why i'm still receiving tons of pornographic dating site ads (almost) daily! If you've ever experienced anything like this, i highly recommend putting more info out there online so the truth will be known (by summing up the pieces).





Thanks for reading, here goes:


(in reference to 2 emails received in the same day)
Please wait for a site operator to respond.
You are now chatting with 'LiveSupport'


LiveSupport: Hello, how may I help you today?

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: hi, i want to know how this account was set up
ded_spyder@yahoo.com: i did not request a ulust account, is it part of another site?

LiveSupport: Just a moment please, while I look that up.

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: thanks

LiveSupport: I dont see any membership registered under your email.We are not accpeting free membership from your country so maybe someone created an account underyour email

LiveSupport: account is already been removed


ded_spyder@yahoo.com: i don't understand, how did i receive emails today from ulust then?

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: i haven't paid, or subscribed..

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: can you look up all the info on my email: ded_spyder@yahoo.com

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: when and how was this account set up?

LiveSupport: we no longer have recordsof your account since it's removed by the site right after the account was set up

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: when was that?

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: and why do i still get these fucking emails! you will tell me gypsy!

LiveSupport: please forward the spams that you are getting to csr4@activesitesupport.com so we can further investigate who is sending you emails. thank you

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: i hope you all burn, internet scum

ded_spyder@yahoo.com: thank you for removing me from email however


Always glad to correspond with such scholarly individuals :) I think i will make this an on-going post for those of you who might also be plagued by spam ads. I'll try to post solutions and/or progress as often as possible. Please please send me any ideas, stories you have about your struggles or successes deleting internet pornography from your computer and from your life! I've heard many stories of this topic driving a wedge between spouses and think there should be support and education on how to get rid of it! More to follow..

PS: if a website keeps harassing you, please visit the following link and take 2-3 minutes to report them!

https://complaint.ic3.gov/ctf.aspx

lonely island

Hawaii.. the island of love. On TV shows and postcards it always looks amazing, exotic.. that picture of the ocean that people stare at daily for 7 months on the cork board of their office cubicle, until they can save enough vacation time to fly here and forget the stress of civilization.

The plane landed at night.. bright beaches and blue waters were shrouded in darkness. Beauty existed still, but was not visible. The airport functioned slowly, time creeping by with a depressed feeling of a lazy night shift. Additionally, it seems that whoever designed this terminal may have spent more time surfing than making transportation and transitions logical for the rest of us. Mild frustrations add to the panicked feeling of having made a wrong decision at the last airport. Why don't our lives happen like in the movies? why didn't i run off the airplane and show her how much she means to me?  maybe too much responsibility.. maybe reality is different.. maybe there is too much "maybe" and not enough "yes".  I haven't prayed in a while, nor do i truthfully believe in god, but as i sit, sneaking a coffee and cigarette in a dim corner of a multi-level parking lot,  i quietly beg the powers that be for things to just work out ok.. this doesn't seem real..

This time is worse than last. I can feel my chest tighten as an invisible cord is stretched further with each mile i travel away from my wife. Why does it hurt more now? We did 2-3 months passably during our first separation and that was going into the trip blind. Now i've experienced life apart and made it work, yet suffer more. It doesn't make sense. Such ignorance, yet i think i know exactly what is wrong and how to fix it. I left without trying again.

The first text redefines our virtual relationship. Both reassuring and devastating, i try to imagine what is happening in las vegas.. and smile momentarily at the thought of being there :)  maybe things won't be so bad after all.. could there be a way to meditate myself into a zone of remembering what it is like to be home.. hypnotize.. even as i sit and think this post is rambling, i think that there seems to be some kind of progress.. things seemed a little better than they were before.. i know that. Patience, understanding, practice, communication..

as i find somewhere to curl up and set my alarm for the next flight, i dream of her. she will be my island, my vacation..

My Heroin Heroine

Married to addiction: living in recovery

Hi. My name is ian white and my wife is recovering from a heroin addiction.
I've been asked "what is it like to be married to an opiate addict?". The shortest answer I can find is: confusing! However I will attempt a more detailed response..

1) communication & the power of addiction

Many people  hide their addictions by lying to themselves and their family. My wife hid her use from her ex husband before enrolling in a rehabilitation program.  For a long time i felt like she was always hiding something from me as well. However, societal stigmas surrounding heroin use make open communication and recovery difficult. We have had to try extra hard to maintain open communication without judgement.
 When my wife told me the extent she would go to in order to hide her use I was shocked. She hid things in interesting places, underneath the spare tire of a car, taped to the underside of a drawer, stuffed inside of a seat, etc.  I'm now wondering: why? What would happen if someone found out she was using heroin or other narcotics? 
Well, I freaked out when I thought she was using..  The first time I called her ex, the second time I called the paramedics (who then called the cops!). Therefore my reaction to (what I thought to be) heroin use had police at our house, doors kicked in and my beautiful wife on her knees in handcuffs. We both almost lost our jobs and everything we had worked for, why?  I panicked. 
This is (one reason) why people hide narcotic use, fear of misunderstanding and incorrect action.
The only way I know to effectively communicate, not bullshit each other. Trust has not been easy, but i know that i will trust her when i understand.

2) education & understanding

There might not be anything more important than education! 

Learn everything about your loved one's vice so you dont put each other in jail! Research for any topic is readily available on google, ie:

"The white crystalline form considered "pure heroin" is usually the hydrochloride salt, diacetylmorphine hydrochloride. When heroin is supplied illegally, though, it is often adulterated to a freebase form, dulling the sheen and consistency to a matte-white powder.^{[5". (Wikipedia)}
I've not spent as much time in education as I should, but am slowly beginning to understand the terminology.  Actually addiction is really interesting if u like chemistry and/or biology. Also, having grown up affected by alcohol and substance abuse enough to feel there is an important reason to understand and not perpetuate future use. There are times when i feel weak or enabling, but i know some of the damage addiction can have on relationships and families. We must be strong for ourselves and our loved ones, sometimes just for today.

In the 100s of hours I've spent talking to my wife I've learned a lot!  One of the most important things she's taught me is that an addict will fight and defend their addiction above all else.  They may be more passionate about keeping their vice than you are about ridding them of it.  Thus forcing a person to choose between a drug and a loved one might yield unpleasant results!  Knowing that I might always be 2nd is a tough concept. As a spouse or family member, you may have to compete for that 1st place spot every day, all day. I have been tired, confused, resentful, sad and angry.. Currently I'm looking for reasons to fight addiction.  If you have any please share them!!

To be continued..

Confessions of an internet stalker

Today i stumbled across a slew of personal emails i sent over the last few years. Most were from craigslist and solicited only the minimal response for "hooking up" or meeting a woman online. As i scrolled thru hundreds of emails i began to notice that my method was "send 100 emails and hope for one response". Most of the emails were short and lacked any real content, simply stating "are you real" or "what's up". The response i was looking for was sex, at no cost or effort. I wasn't willing to put in the time to get to know someone and let a relationship develop.  I was interested in instant gratification on my terms and shunned others ideas, ie. once i scoffed at a woman for wanting to have an 'financial arrangement', when in fact i was exhibiting the same behavior (maybe with opposite intentions).

All my life i had believed that this behavior was acceptable and refused to acknowledge that i may actually be degrading and/or hurting another person. Now i can't help but wonder how i've caused people to feel about themselves. Receiving a message like "that's ok, but how do you look like with your clothes off" is abnormally shallow and i'm unsure of what effect it may have, as i don't think anyone has ever treated me this way.  Maybe if i understood how others have been affected by this type of behavior i can understand what i've done more completely.

please take the time to share any experience you've had (in dating, marriage, or other social settings) in which you have wronged or been wronged by another person. Also i would like to thank those closest to me for offering a way to see my actions thru the eyes of others.

Repressing Depression

My depression, as may be the case for others, is based on feelings of hopelessness and self pity. Today I came to the conclusion that my depression is selfish. Believe it or not, accepting a depressed feeling as a nourishment of our own ego and self-serving act can actually help us snap out of it! Some thoughts on the topic:
Inspiration comes in many forms. I think 3 are vital to success: 1) another person 2) things we enjoy or once enjoyed (ie. hobbies, goals, dreams) 3) environment

1) My fastest, most effective and potent solution to feeling down is recognizing a positive within another person. Most of us can think of that one person that can get us to smile even when we don't want to :) Sometimes just thinking about that person can be enough! Allowing ourselves a window into someone else's life to view something good can break a cycle of narcissistic thought. The momentary lapse of inward thought is a breath of fresh air, allowing me to vicariously appreciate life through another's perspective. This is the most important step, as thinking about myself only perpetuates solitude and perceived lack of options.
  Appreciating the work or passion another person has can also be a very strong source of purpose. When I felt a loss of purpose in my life I looked outwardly. This is a double edged sword however. For example listening to sad music can amplify depression. I remember a boss i had once told me of his experience in counseling. The clinical diagnosis was simple: "stop listening to pink floyd". Apparently the music was depressing him and allowing him to maintain a cycle of inward, negative thought. So finding a truly positive external source can be tricky, but vital to a successful first step. Recently i have gravitated towards the inspirational writings found in online blogs. ie. www.chasingdragonsaway.com
  The authors have been so truthful and insightful in their passages that i felt new ambition to seek the truths of life within myself, as they had. After coming full circle i realized that i had not pulled myself out of a low by myself, but climbed a ladder (provided to me) to reach my own goals. This form of support by another person is the building block of developing a sense of purpose for everything we do with our lives.

2) For a long time all of my hobbies and interests seemed hollow without an audience. Hobbies are supposed to be things we do for ourselves, but somehow i needed someone to recognize me in order to feel good about what i was doing. After finding support in another, remembering what we used to enjoy can be the next solid step of finding that kind of happiness we had as children, when we used to run for no reason or chase each other around, ignoring societal perception.. creating our own rules and living, almost completely in the moment. The problem with my adult life is that i am constantly concerned about the future, neglecting the present and forgetful of the past.
  Today i woke up in a sea of self-pity, seeking to avoid the truth involved in confronting how i had wronged (or simply not cared about) most of the people in my life. A brief thought of someone else occurred to me, leading me to an inspirational article and the next thing ya know, i was riding down the street on a bicycle. The fresh air and sunlight opened a floodgate of childhood memories that reminded me: i used to mountain bike, this was one of my hobbies. A world of positive emotion and hope was attached to the simple exertion and accomplishment of making it to the top of a hill.. looking down on scenery, feeling alive!  Too often I forget how good the simple things of life are, especially when i close my eyes to them.

3) Fundamentally, the weather can determine what kind of day I'll have. However, I've spent many nice days inside 4 walls, preventing myself from enjoying air, sunlight, water and a million other tangible senses that life has to offer. After I've found inspiration and rediscovered what makes me feel good about myself, finding a nice environment goes a long way to refuel my passion for the day.  Waking up early in the morning has always been an exciting, though difficult, time for thought and action. The beginning of the day seems most hopeful! Anything is possible at 0600 in the morning with a full day open and available :)  Getting to this environment is more than 1/2 the battle. Once there, positive thoughts and actions usually seem to flow freely and naturally.. as if i had done them before, or as if i were tracing the actions of my life's picture over an outline i could see thru the paper.  without getting involved in destiny, i'll say that environment can also encompass the people and places around us. By surrounding myself with only positive (and good weather!), everything is easier... oversimplification, but have to wrap this up!

Before i thought about these 3 forms of inspiration, i would tell myself that repetition of a positive action would eventually lift anyone out of depression. I still think this can be effective, ie. working out, volunteering, attending social gatherings, keeping in contact with family/friends, etc.  Maybe the topic of another post.

For today, thank you to those that offer hope. You never know how far simple message might go or how many lives may be illuminated by one positive thought :) We are all in this together and i hope that i can pull my weight, as i've been pulled by others through 'hard times'. Thank you so much again to those that provide us tools and solutions.. you are my meaning and you give me purpose!
- looking forward again :D

Pulling teeth: pulling truth from lies

Lies. On some level i think that we all have lied, even if only to ourselves. Lies can be minor, major, unintentional, polite and a variety of other categories that i might not have time or space to identify. The thought that leads me to write today is: how do we know when we (or others) are lying. My ego desires to know when others aren't truthful, but it's infinitely more difficult and important that i identify lies within myself. As i see it, there are a few ways to identify a lie:

1. Continuity. Lies aren't as easily repeatable as the truth. Consciously creating fiction requires us to remember exactly what we said and thus the story may differ over time. When i tell the truth, it's always easier to recall the same way. This should hold true for others, logical to me at least.

2. Detail. Anyone can lie about something, but i would never be able to provide as much detail to a lie as i would the truth. Recalling truth doesn't inhibit us from remembering all truthful things surrounding a topic. Creating a lie also may require a person to create supporting lies. The truth, again, is easier to detail b/c all of the pieces fit together naturally. Because a lie is unnatural, it has the tendency of not fitting in with it's surroundings.

3. "Unpleasantry". Elements of the truth can be unpleasant, commonly referred to as "the truth hurts".. i imagine that most truths carry some element of rawness with them. "If it's too good to be true.." is a cynical way to to look at things and thus not great for determinations. Although truths may be raw, i don't think that convincing ourselves that anything is "too good" is beneficial. "Too good" is not a problem! Differentiating between  the unrefined sincerity of truth and the intentional negativity of cynicism.

--to be continued (TBC)

Bad guys finish.. 1st?

For most of my life i've played the role of "good guy" while my true effect on others has been more negative than positive. It wasn't until meeting my wife that i truly took an honest look at who i am and what i'm doing that i began to uncover the dirt that was hidden beneath a blanket of ego.  It's difficult to look in the mirror and tell myself exactly what i see without embellishing or enhancing (or degrading) myself. Today i see a man that has not kept all of his words. A man that hasn't listened or even made a full attempt to. A selfish, jealous and often hypocritical person. I expect trust for my "good" deeds, yet haven't awarded others this same trust.

To remain positive, i have noticed great actions by others recently (admittedly i have been jealous b/c i don't always have the coolest thoughts to help others feel good about themselves).. but even if i'm not capable of the exact same way, i'm learning how to attempt support of others good deeds. I would like to thank my angel for watching over me and guiding me thru a difficult part of life for those around me. Today i hope to do something nice for someone else without getting caught! :):):)

thank you so much to those who carry their smiles to others! i can't wait to be part of the club!! :)

the things they say..

Note(s) to self (and internet) for Sunday, 8 June 2012:

Recently suffering from lack of motivation and direction. I'm sure there are many available reactions to the presentation of different options in our lives. Namely when things appear to be overwhelming or unmanageable, the true question becomes: "what can i do today to feel as though i have accomplished something important". My problem has been shifting priorities too often. Sometimes we want to feel good about ourselves by staying late for work to help on that project, but what about our families waiting at home? Priorities. We all have them and i know that mine feel like they are always crumbling as a result of my continued inaction or mis-action (ie. attempting to correct a situation by using an incorrect solution).




just now i wondered: is it better to not act at all or act incorrectly? As i see it, i my past actions seem to haunt me more "quickly-er" than past inaction. For example, i purchased the wrong computer and the wrong car for my wife. Both actions might be considered "good", but i always look at them as last-minute, inconsiderate and thoughtless. Whereas my 30-day stint of doing absolutely nothing seems to be morbidly justified by "i don't know what to do". The obvious answer is >> think and feel first, then make the right decision the 1st time. I'm just completely incapable of this at the moment.. head feels like a 1000 volts went thru it and i'm barely capable of tying my own shoes in the morning. poor me.. yadda yadda




anyways, the best thing i can think to do when feeling like an absolute loser is to make a checklist of things to do! Most of mine never get done, and depression can result.. double-edged sword kinda.. so users of this tactic "at our own risk". Doing what i say and being a man of my word.. topic of different post.

For today, here are my priorities:

TASKS:

1. Set up insurance (100%) for car + Fix vegas phone plan >> order food??

2. Restore all internet, computer, phone and media monitoring systems to "Zero-Doubt-Level" (ZDL)

3. Find way to restore all "Korea rules" immediately >> ie. setup auto-pays for rent, maybe month-long pass for taxi? >> suggest month taxi card idea to base along w/ auto-pay for renters

4. plan visit to vegas + korea visit (start thinking about feb?)

4a. visa requirements

4b. tickets

4c. what to do??!!

5a. assignment counselor > ask options for requesting Nellis/Las Vegas

5b. family readiness > ask about nellis

5c. msgt williams > ask about nellis

5d. email old boss > civilian position @ nellis?

5e. get nat. guard contact @ nellis > ask options

5f. THRMIS website > check manning levels (maybe volunteer for 820 RHS non-airborne?)

6. post resume USAjobs.gov

7. email airborne flight

8. finish book

9. mail packages

10. update receipt book

11. bug guy? when coming to 1308 again?

12. freak out for no reason

13 try to remember all the stuff i don't remember that i was supposed to do in a previous checklist




will leave it there for now, maybe update this later







GOALS:

start being an adult again

1 compliment/day, 1 nice thing/week :)

name daily positives

smoking cessation class

gym

Insta-karma (just add trust)

After the dust had settled in the battlefield of my brain-land, the forces of positive thought collected their wounded and retreated back to claim their rightful place in my conscious mind. For too long i've allowed minions of negativity to rule within me, and i know they still may reign in certain parts of my cranial regions.. for now... but we were able to win my internal war with a simple realization: think positive. It sounds ridiculously simple, but for a cynic it can be a daily battle.

**quick note: i don't think any one person can conquer their demons to claim such important realizations within themselves without the help of another. I'm blessed to have, literally, the smartest, most insightful, loving/gentle and caring person in the world (my wife) on my side, helping, supporting and guiding me during my battles (against myself, i know that sounds weird!). I must give credit to her for my recent epiphany.. her ideas are beautiful and really work! trying to talk her into counseling, but that's for another time..




anyways, the battle was won by the light, darkness retreating to nurse it's wounds in dark corners. from now on the kingdom of my mind is being ruled by (what i hope to be) benevolence. These forces seem firm, strong and foreign, yet strangely known to me. As if they rode in on an external thought and found the support of the people.. long live the +! at any rate, i'm very glad for the recent clicks that have happened within me. Not 100% sure what they are, but continue to attempt to develop and shape them into a better.. something..




**quick worry: there is a bit of current instability, as the good feelings created confidence and my confidence has always been attached to arrogance. This may be a difficult monster to separate (arrogance from the more pure form of confidence), but have started to notice it... again, never on my own :)




so the effects of recent (seemingly positive) developments in emotionalitude.

-almost developed a solution to appease the true feelings of three people.. didn't quite happen.. or wasn't successful this time around, but still trying

- helped a person financially:




**quick story:

someone i worked with approached me b/c they had lost their debit card. asked if i could help. my wife and i agreed to assist this person with a transfer until their card arrived. the process was relatively quick, the person's parents forwarded us some money and we gave it to mr. no-card-o. Instantly the person offered to help us initiate automatic transfers with the foreign bank here (he speaks the local language).. this was shocking, as my wife and i had just discussed attempting to direct-deposit our foreign rent. I guess the moral of the story is having a positive outlook, trusting people can be rewarding in ways we can't even imagine!

more on this later possibly (or edited version) as i don't think i've fully captured the "twilight zone-ed-ness" of this situation..




conclusive evidence and closing remarks:

listen to others more, trust more, maybe expect less? < not sure about this one, expect more (of myself, always), listen again!

PTPA (positive thoughts, positive actions)

and we lived in a shoe, that didn't fit

today's thoughts:
i don't think i would be a fit parent. i've heard that i'm good with children, but maybe i just tell myself that.. or elicit that opinion from others b/c i'm really not a prime candidate. i've had the occasion to be around kids (as an adult). the earliest instance i can remember was dating "sarah" who had a 3 year old girl. i remember most actions that would be classified as parental seemed natural. we played games, watched videos (the same barney VHS over and over.. ad nauseam!), but i don't remember being irritated or angry. then again, i was only part of sarah's life for a short time, maybe 6-8 months before we went our separate ways.
I remember another time "lindsey" (sarah's daughter) hit her mom in the face (not hard at all by the way, but enough of a sound was made to be shocking). Sarah was a very relaxed person, almost motionless at times, and didn't do anything about said face-slappery. For some reason I took matters into my own hands (no slaps or anything of the sort) and took Lindsey to the corner, which she refused to stay in. So I stood there with her, almost in some menacing way now that i think about it (maybe it's just that we seem so much taller as adults).. until Lindsey agreed to apologize to her mom. this occurred fairly quickly, approximately 5 minutes.. and some crying was involved upon realization that the corner was a quasi-permanent residence. When she came back from her time served where the walls meet, she kissed her mom and said sorry. This seems like a normal parental thing to do right? but i'm still not sure. I was proud for a while, (both of my action and Lindsey's sincerity in her apology) but what if Lindsey has nightmares of being in the corner, hovered over by her 'parental figure'. I don't know what is right really.. other people's lives are too delicate, even as adults, for me to say with any certainty that "i know what is best for a person".. but don't parental-people have to be unwavering? surely they can't always be right! The fresh prince has extrapolated that rearers of children "just don't understand".. i want to understand!  furthermore what if being a parent means losing your "cool"? being made fun of by children doesn't sound fun.. erf, tangent..

I think that i was raised with a good structure of activity that helps me today. I learned to draw, paint, build things and some forms of physical activity (ie. throwing a football, martial arts and music). however, what i did not learn, or at least did not choose to absorb or retain, was the ability to love another person more than myself. How do you teach that? or can it even be learned? I wouldn't want the shame of not communicating this ability to the next generation, hence my doubts regarding the worthiness of parentilitude. Is anyone ever really ready for this responsibility? do we honestly consider what it means to bring another life into the world? People are completely dependent on their parents for the better part of 2 decades. (sometimes 3 in europe!) Is that a thought that prospective mothers and fathers have before they.. well you know. hehe  or do we just follow our instincts and trust that we'll know what to do when we get there?

sometimes it seems i over-analyze.. but what is action without thought? meaningless or instinctual? prophetic, predestined, pre-programmed or maybe it's chance plus environmental factors? Each person born deserves the best environment possible. Yet i've heard stories of people living in shoes.. apparently until their old. does this suggest that any environment can sustain life? Another skepticism of mine: i'm not sure that i can provide the correct environment that a child deserves. The nature of my job and dynamic of the households i've been a part of usually haven't been conducive to a healthy learning environment. Though i've been trained on how to be organized in life and in possessions, i continue to lead a trashy existence in which i don't value the things around me. For example, i've let my guard down to intruding roaches who fueled an entire scorpion and spider revolution! We are still at war with the nasty buggers, but even one of these might be enough to endanger a small life.
Anyways, it's not always the material world that is worrisome.. most of that stuff can be fixed with logic and dedication. I just had the thought today: what is a good parent and when/how do you know if you are actually prepared to accept the greatest responsibility of all...?

write n' wrong

since when did being so right feel so wrong?

or being so wrong feel so right?




i stumbled across another "truth" today that i've just realized isn't true. it is beginning to seem like i'm living in some matrix that others don't understand.. or that i'm outside of the normal world b/c i don't understand how to live and operate in it..








because i've given up things that have become part of me (for better or worse), i have become indignant.


i look down on others for not sacrificing in the way that i have. yet any 3rd party can see that what i consider sacrifice is actually what many people consider "living a normal life". Not Drinking, not watching porn and not acting on any impulse that negatively affects another should be part of the human code. i have violated the human code as i was growing up and only within the last few months have amended my actions to reflect those of any regular person with a pulse and 1/2 a brain. i've been given more than most people ever dream of. An amazing wife, a great job, a nice home and a fluffy animal that loves us unconditional (as long as we provide cat food). i think a lot of people would be thrilled to be in my situation! yet i continue to gripe and complain about meaningless and mundane things.. this prevents me from seeing the greater picture: my life is great! i should feel lucky to have these gifts and those around me should know without question how awesome i feel as a result of my current surroundings and future potential.i will admit if asked, i can't really provide any negative fact that would justify the sadness and anger that i feel sometimes. i feel that my wife doesn't trust me and that i shouldn't trust her, yet if you look at the facts she has always trusted me and even stood up for me when i've been wrong. just today i dwelled upon my self-pity so long that i kept her up until her shift at work started. i didn't think "o wow, she needs to eat breakfast soon" or "her shift starts in a few hours, she might need some sleep" (even after being told what time her shift started numerous times the day before). These things did not pop into my brain b/c it was more important to me to feel good about myself. that i was doing right and she was doing wrong. after taking sleep time away, i probably made her feel like shit right before she had to go to work.

try to imagine this feeling. Tired, hungry and thousands of miles away from someone that is supposed to care about you (more than anyone in the world) and being called a liar or a cheat when you haven't done anything. my wife is actually too good of a person to have done this to me, actually i've never experienced anything like it, but i can barely grasp the amount of bullshit i might feel if this happened to me. starting out a day in a negative way is never good, but if you add emotional stress to physical stress, there's just a receipe for disaster. during these times i just want to shake myself, punch myself in the face and say "wake up you idiot! look what you are doing!" even then i'm worried i wouldn't even realize it b/c i am that selfish. i'm more concerned with my feelings or just curiosity and ego than another person's health and well-being. good lord. when this type of realization hits me i'm dumb founded. how could i ever do such a thing? but there it is, staring me in the face. this is not something that i can write off as "that was a different person". this just happened not hours, but a matter of minutes ago! apparently the steps and "sacrifices" i'm making are not enough to change my mindset to that of a person that actually cares for another. this is a very sad prospect and one that i hope to change by documenting feelings of "write" or wrong on this blog.




today is monday, the start of a new week. we will go to work with problems on our mind, further creating stress b/c we will in no way be focused on work. it all seems trivial when there are such significant problems that haven't been addressed. 3rd parties are a great idea, counseling and all that, but will they ever truly know the inner workings of our brains? probably not. there's a slight chance that a marriage counselor could

help, if i was 100% honest with them about my inner self. but who really wants to tell the ugly truth about themselves to a complete stranger? i don't feel they've earned it (as my wife has), so would feel hesitant to accept the diagnosis of someone who can never know the full truth. there will have to be another blog on professional 3rd parties, as i have a lot of differing opinions and feelings about them. for the time being, i have my primary counselor and will continue sessions until progress ceases or i am told otherwise.




when we arrive at work, tired b/c i've chosen to keep myself us awake. we will not perform well (or as well as if there were a full night's sleep supporting us). for me this takes the form of being late to a meeting or missing an appointment that is important for the job. of course things aren't too bad, my wife goes to work without sleep constantly and there is always coffee available to get us through that one day we decided to stay up. however, i'm more concerned with a pattern. how do we establish healthy eating and sleeping times to maintain the energy levels we need throughout the day? we actually have a great jobs! they are rewarding, have great social interaction (from funny people), show visible progress and there is ample opportunity for reward, recognition and promotion.




in my line of work, there is one major and possibly legitimate drawback: i must stay away from my wife and family for extended amounts of time. i think yet another post should be dedicated to the pros and cons of stable employment versus family time. for now i will conclude by saying that i am glad for blogs, as they allow us to record our thoughts and actions for later review. a lot of times i don't see the effect my actions have on others and i am glad that there is a way to document and later reflect on what i've done. i hope at some point this does affect change within me and ceases to affect others in any negative ways that i'm not paying attention to.




note to future self reading this:

- trust your wife!

- trust yourself

- trust that both of you know what's best and make decisions accordingly

- speak the truth, always (even when uncomfortable or awkward)

- utilize the tools around you for improvement! there's always something that can help your current situation and if you don't see it, you aren't looking hard enough

- think of others before you think of yourself. develop an excerise to practice



this. may be something like "do something every day that you don't want to do that would really help someone else". today i will wake up in an hour or so to wish my wife a good day at work, and then conserve the amount of cigarettes i smoke to save money for my family. shooting for only 1 after each meal and maybe 2 when i get home. so 5 total! will check back with the blog to report the news. hopefully it is good.

Me (x3) + FTW = X?

i feel like a fucking idiot. i've thrown away all my rights to have feelings like a normal person. i was given chances time and time again to prove myself, but instead i sat on my fictious high-horse, refusing to acknowledge or support others. so now i get what i deserve. pain. a deep inner pain that lets me know i'm capable of feeling, but only negative emotions b/c that's what i've injected into the world.

with a sense of karma, i know that this is how it should be. those that do not show love should not receive it. why then am i so hurt? each action i've made, thousands of them over the last year, points to only self-serving, individualistic survival. i haven't even made significant strides to improve myself, yet i perceive that the world owes me something. that there is daily injustice for which i deserve resolution. i will never receive it and this thought haunts my soul.
others are better than me and they always will be. i will always be last and possibly resentful towards those who have worked and trained harder to be what they want.

one of the problems is i don't always know who or what i want to be. sometimes it seems that i could be a great family man, and great at work. there are a few facts to support this, but many times i don't feel confident enough in my life to press forward into uncharted territory and forge any life that i proclaim to want. i've given up on myself and thus have given up on everyone around me that i care or have cared about.

sometimes i think people want nothing more than to be held. however, we all have a varying amount of physical and emotional needles surrounding us, that prevent us from getting to close to one another without being hurt. i have been hurt and have definitely hurt others. when i truly think about it, the scales are actually unbalanced. i have delivered more pain than i've received.

maybe i will suffer like this until my debts are paid. maybe my debts are too great to ever be paid. knowing that you could never repay the pain you inflicted in life, would you still trek it out, in hopes that someday things will be better? there aren't many options, but there are always options.
i know that i am perceptive. i see most everything.. and i know that i am not the only one. surely others aren't blind to the elephants that stand in our rooms. sure, it's more comfortable to cast our eyes away, not look at the glaring truth. but we just accept that there is no threat of being trampled and continue our lives as if nothing has happened or will happen. i have made strides recently to tell the uncomfortable truth. it's not easy, it makes me feel good, but others feel worse i think. given the choice would you hold something in if you felt it would adversely affect someone else? lately i've thought it's better to tell all, but this is only a recent development.

i would rather ignore my evils and pretend that i'm some kind of good person. when i don't have true family or friends to be accountable to, i have been able to complete many actions that have helped others without much personal gain for myself. knowing this, it seems weird that i'm not able to do be a pillar of positivity for people closer to me, but that will be the topic of another post.

how the hell did i get here? why did i make decisions that resulted in negative things for others? i want to apologize for it all. to tell everyone i've ever wronged how i've wronged them and that i think about it daily, sometimes causing me to wonder if i'll ever be able to repay them fully. there is a good chance that i don't have what it takes to right peoples' lives in an equal and opposite way that i've wronged them. this excuse does not absolve me from trying however. i need to correct my actions before judging others and recognize that we are more similar than we are different.

admitting that "to make errors is human" is also excusing others to continue to commit wrongs as i have. no, we are all accountable. just b/c a drug dealer tells me not to jay-walk, i do not have the right to disregard his opinion. i know better. however different our infractions are, i am still breaking the law. will anyone ever catch me? no, they won't. or at least there's a really slim chance of it. but i will always know, and this prevents me from being anything close to the decent and caring person that i want to be.. meaning that if i chose to jay-walk, i chose a life of moral purgatory. i will forever trap myself within a cage that i've built from each small infractious needle of my wrong-doing. i refuse to hold myself down in this way, preventing me from helping myself or others. i will remind myself that taking the immediate and easy path always leads to trouble. No pain, no gain!

The Island of Yang

Positivity: the natural choice? Yang Island represents every good choice I've made.. paying for someone's meal, dedicating a day to helping a friend move, being available for friends and family when needed.. anything and everything involved with assisting another human is "good". There are, however, good decisions that are positive for me like: marrying Lisa, joining the USAF, working out/education, etc. From afar, all of these choices are easy. Why wouldn't we choose what is best for others or at least ourselves? I can only think of one reason: if we aren't truly helping. The only thing more dangerous than one person doing harm to another, is the "harmer" that believes they are helping. There have been a few times where I've hindered (maybe harmed?) others as I patted myself on the back for helping them. Once I loaned someone a car for a few months. Although it enabled them to get to work and be productive, I also stripped them of any motivation to save up for their own car. Alternatively, I could have purchased them a bus pass until they were ready to drive. Riding the bus every day would have been unpleasant, but possibly more appropriate in really helping the individual develop a lasting strength for themselves. This may also just be my cop-out for not wanting to invest time in people anymore.. I'm not sure where the truth lies, but I know that if we really care about someone we care most about their long-term success than short term gratification.

Now the difficult question: "why, if Yang Island is filled with positivity and good, would you not reside there?" Well, one must keep in mind that although nature is beautiful it is dangerous to us and us to it. Many of the larger animal inhabitants of Yang could crush me just as easily as I could crush other, smaller lifeforms there. I fear perfection or anything close, as I am ugly and flawed inside. Being reminded of my flaws distances me from the fictitious character I've created and outwardly projected. In contrast, I am viewed as a better entity on island Yin. I deserve to suffer, yet suffering may occur at either island. Why not suffer and deal with the feelings of imperfection for a chance at supreme happiness rather than accept the shame, self-pity and comfort of darkness? If what i deserve is to feel pain, then I should feel pain with gain.. not with shame... nor in the rain, unless it reigns..
I apologize for gratuitous, unneccessary rhyming..

Either way it is scary to confront my feelings, so I avoid them. Staying in the boat, directionless, feels like I haven't lost yet. Hopefully I don't spend an entire life here in the calm, stagnant water, but I am petrified (frozen to the bone) of making the wrong decision.

Islandic Travel

The internal conflict of thought wages on. Yin + Yang particulates have settled in the swirling waters of my brain, solidifying two distinct and opposing islands of truth. Both are right, both are wrong. Both 100% me, yet in competition for conscious thought. Neither yields nor advances thru my mind's eye to reality. I can't determine if residence at either place would unbalance an ecosystem, so I spend most of my time traveling between the islands. Each is inviting and offers sanctuary. Each is scary and confusing. I want someone with me, so I condemn yet another traveler to this purgatorial vacation. Failed "saintly" intercessions convince me that the the heavens are writing to me in nimbus, offering reasons to be here or there. Unsure if I'm hallucianting or not, I find myself talking to the floating, wind-washed formations.. questioning them, yelling frustrations at them.. and then feeling like an  idiot afterwards. I am no closer to understanding by doing any of these things, i think? Furthermore, why would I assume my plight has any affect on the structure of the world. I am an ant! Nature is so beautiful in its complexity, but my inability to listen to the earth makes me unworthy, as I do not contribute.
For most of life I've considered "logic over faith" a pillar of correct decision-making. However, my personal convictions have never been strong enough to anchor an unbreakable chain of logic to. So I live in the boat. Sea life isn't entirely bad. The ocean provides food and fresh water is abundant on either island. I never stay long on land, but make time to collect enough resources to sustain another trip. I wonder if others live this way? Maybe some prefer travel over fighting against nature to carve out a home in a wild environment?
\
the island of Yin (to be continued)..

Earth Wind + Fire (water?)

Clinging to hope i sit alone in my room, allowing the past and future to cloud my present. External motivations control my life and i sucumb to their will. A cigarrette here, an obligation there, and somewhere in between an eternity of time to lose and find myself in. What are my hobbies? What makes me feel good, if not the comfort provided by others? More recently I've wondered what to do in the absence of comfort.
I must remember to eat and sleep mechanically, for i do not crave these things most times. My body is disconnected from my mind and they can go hours without talking. I'm wrapped up inside just waiting for someone to care enough to unravel me. I promise that i'm worth it! Sometimes i think a few passers-by see me. They are the silver lining to the rain cloud that defines me. Recently i've wondered if i am the cloud. Instead of inconviencing people and darkening their day, i could be productive/realistic and water plants or something. After all, water is a primary source of life. Many people think of the sun as the provider of life, and  do not wish to oppose their belief, the sun is wonderful. However, all life came from the sea, so maybe we can value water just as much as light. Maybe this mentality would allow my storm cloud to be less dark? Maybe one day i'll shoot sunbeams out of my eyes.. who knows!

Living with Apathy

Clinging to hope i sit alone in my room, allowing the past and future to cloud my present. External motivations control my life and i sucumb to their will. A cigarrette here, an obligation there, and somewhere in between an eternity of time to lose and find myself in. What are my hobbies? What makes me feel good, if not the comfort provided by others? More recently I've wondered what to do in the absence of comfort. For so long I've been emotionally supported by my wife, who is able to make me feel much better with a single word, thought or pair of new underwear. No one else has been able to make me feel the way she does and without her near me I feel alone and unsure. Secretly i want her to make everything in my life better, i want her to fix me without consideration of the love and support that she needs. I know that in ideal marriages, each person carries the other. I have not carried her, yet i want to be carried.. nursed, treated like a child without responsibility. If everyone chose to live as i want to nothing would ever be accomplished. Life can be easier when someone else makes the decision for us. The entire system almost seems set up to make us scratch our heads. Aside from religion, education and success only show us how much we don't know. Climbing the social  ladder places us further away from any true meaning. The only solution i see is mindless structure. By developing a repeatable routine, we can distract our conscious mind long enough to allow the unconscious to figure out what it wants and needs. Everyone will have moments of clarity, passion, extreme happiness.. usually not as fast as we'd like however. I am part of the 'instant gratification generation'. Lounging in pity, I exempt myself from judgement, immune to my own actions and place blame somewhere that it won't affect me as directly. This is incorrect. I have done wrong and I am the only one to make it right. The difficulty is acquiring the confidence to take contol of my life without arrogance. I am unable to do it. Each time my confidence arrives, arrogance and selfishness come with it.

Life underwater

Sounds are dull, bubbles escape my lips and frantically dash to a surface that i can't see. I can't tell if i'm sinking or suspended at this depth. The ocean life around me churns slowly, the friction of water pressing against every movement.  Somewhere up there i imagine ships are passing by, possibly looking for lost souls in the abyss. No one sees that i am here though, reinforcing a solitude that is both peaceful and terrifying. If i squint i can see that others are here. Bubbles run from them as well, but the deep tones are indecipherable. Will i get to know them? I wonder what words might be trapped in those tiny air pockets. If i could, somehow, catch and understand the trapped words would we communicate? A strange mismatch occurs between thought and action. Thoughts move quickly, always evolving and branching into complex ideas. Motion seems to be a different realm entirely. The simplest tasks are long and drawn out. A certain grace is exihibited during these slow movements, but most would wish for land.

The middle path

Each day I receive new information. Some of it conflicting, some confusing, all influencing my perception and thought process. Normally i find that in processing new info, i tend to gravitate towards outcomes involving a path of least resistance or difficulty for me.
Being non-confrontational has been viewed in a positive light in my life thus far. Not actively seeking to disagree with others seems to make most people content in a group environment. However, this way of thinking and living leads to a loss of personal importance and possibly a weakness outside of the group. I now realize that there are individual choices that require and solely rely upon an ability to make a steadfast decision. Sadly, even as i write this i have not changed. Monday will come and my habitual, apathetic method will continue. I've read that breaking a cycle involves recognizing the behavior and more importantly what benefit this behavior is to us. Even negative behaviors can offer a perceived "reward" in my mind, motivating the desire to continue. One behavior that i would like to correct is lying to agree. Often times i find myself agreeing or making decisions because i have no opinion or a strong desire to be accepted or liked. Inability to make decisions can be an undesirable trait. Uncomfortable, awkward or weird are a few words that might describe timid individuals. I find myself repelled by indecision most times, yet recognize the same trait within myself. Those without personal conviction lack character. I lack character, or at least the ability to allow myself to experience confidence.
Putting a mask over this can be very difficult as nothing i say or do will truly make others happy if i am insincere or depressing. Climbing out of depression is a self-centered journey and a catch-22. I cannot be positive for others until i am positive myself, yet focusing on myself is not helping others. Continue to seek the middle path.

Plain-crash (FUI-OD part ii): Angels + Clouds

A burning world thru sunken eyes A search for peace by reading signs An unmatched beauty within them lies A guilty boy is weak inside As I awoke from the crash, hope for survival was renewed. The wreckage that surrounded me didn't seem to smell of death.. Yet. However, I know that waiting for such a smell would mean I was much too late.  A new timeline shatters my conscious. If anyone is still in the plane, they must be found and possibly revived immediately. Guilt courses thru me as I finally peer into the darkness, calling out for anyone that might be there. My impaired vision had already blurred the surrounding cliffs of the impact site, so a desperate panic guided me.  As luck would have it, my (guardian) angel was watching and saved me from tipping the remains of the crash into the ocean.  Concentrate. Time. Sustainable shelters must be made. In my disgusting state of weakness I'm unable to move large items without external help. I'm afraid that I might move the wrong thing, or request the assistance of the wrong person or people. Smaller initiatives can't repair or rebuild quickly enough, but a decision must be made soon.  Meditation. Research. One million different options, each offering unique difficulties and solutions. Somehow I feel the best options will be the hardest.  I pray to my angel to help me find the right path: 'My savior, Angel of wisdom and compassion: please help!! My judgement is bad. Guide my hand so that I might understand.  Please allow me to see, help and protect the one I've harmed most. Please grant her confidence, family, friends, hope, strength, and small miracles in their times of need. Dear Angel, i humbly ask that you attempt to speak with me in child's terms so I might carry out your will correctly. I am hard of hearing, please gracious angel, allow me to hear your voice loud and clear from inside the castle of clouds . if you can forgive me just long enough to pass me your golden words, I will dedicate every breath of air in my body to see those words are realized immediately.' If you are listening, Thank you Angel guardian Ian MacAlistair White

Once upon a time...

8 may 2012 Once upon a time I was a slayer. Protector of the innocent, provider to any in need. Now I am the dragon. Breather of fire, scorcher of souls.  We all know what a heart looks like, so why is there confusion when one is pulled out? Furthermore, how can I disown a blood drenched hand after recognizing it as my own? Something surreal yet simple... denied existence by its creator who suddenly disowns the abomination only to save himself. Unprecedented and premeditated selfishness.  I have never met a person as selfish as I am. As I see her eyes change, a small piece of her spirit leave her body, I begin to wonder how many times this has been done. How can a person be so strong for others when their chest has been picked out repeatedly.  Scar tissue over scar tissue hides and protects a faint, small amount of life force. The rest has been picked away by other dragons, thieves and scavengers.  The difference between wrong and evil: hope.  Wrong justifies, avoids truth and responsibility, yet admits change. Evil is destructive in much the same way, but does not seek correction. No one wants to  feel like or be labeled as an "evil person". i imagine most of us force ourselves into repentance after we've been caught, rather than  admit what our true motives were.   Recently, I've begun to feel that understanding is the most important step in forgiveness, tolerance or dismissal.  People that have been wronged deserve to know the truth in its entirety, otherwise they may suffer more than once for the same action.  Such negativity and finality are difficult to  break free from.  I want to feel that there is some way to correct my actions so that I am not condemned. I imagine others feel the same way (or at least similar).  How many spirits have I crushed, lives destroyed? Which mask was I wearing when i cut into people's souls?  How much of the past can I correct? And maybe most importantly: why? I imagine the pain left inside her ricocheted within a shell of existence. Food lost flavor, water ran dry. Life seemed to lose meaning in a momentary pause. Hope sat in a corner, eagerly awaiting a cause, while fear loomed on the approaching horizon. A 50 year storm that no one could have foreseen or in any way prepared for, yet she has already built a shelter for us. Thank you my savior, My life belongs to you. 

Inside my mind: the monster machine

19 apr 12- Solitude. Alone in my car.. A stale desert wind chills my face. The sun retreats from another unproductive day, leaving me alone again with my thoughts. The vortex of irrationality spins with great force inside my head.  My unconscious mind digs into itself, creating false wounds in a narcissistic attempt to lure me into self pity.. But it's too late. A beacon of light has already exposed the smiling, shiny-toothed monster. I am exposed. The light pours over the crevices of my brain, dispelling hallucinations of injury. Projecting the radiant picture of truth: the injury of others.  This new image is so vivid, graphic and utterly devastating. I pause in awe of its presence. So unfamiliar, yet natural. I command the monster and he billows waves of guilt over my barren psyche. The ego sits lazily in its chair of approval, but my savior doesn't allow this. Voices are attached to the projection. Screams of pain and ultimate frustration course thru my veins, only this time they aren't my own.  The heart attempts to take over what the desolate mind cannot comprehend. Beating faster without understanding. Without true compassion or empathy. The entire process comes into focus. A flawed machine clunks on fossil fumes, spitting out a powdery black smoke... (to be continued)

FUI-OD: (flying under the influence of a dream)

3 may 12 I have  lied. Once is usually unacceptable, but I've probably lied 100s, maybe 1000s of times. Why? The strange thing is that most of the topics Ive hidden are not inherently bad, although there are a few. Most people would accept the truth without punishing me for my actions, thoughts or opinions. So why lie? As best as I can tell, I've lied to myself most of my life. From exaggerating the facts for a better story to premeditated negative impacts on other people's lives (or even my own!). I think that my favorite (aka most used) lies are exaggeration and omission. "Bold faced" lies, or "the sky is red" lies are more difficult as the liar has to actually alter their perception in order to believe any bullshit generated this way. I have many bold-faced lies under my belt. Currently, I've been called out on 3-4 of them and now I'm working on routing out any more that might be hiding.  Detaching from an intricate fantasy world that I've created has been challenging. Sometimes I want to slip back there, just for a second.. Just to rest. What the liar must realize, however, is that rest is much more fulfilling on the truthful side of the fence. Less to remember, less to forget. Less pain, heartbreak and betrayal to those we love most. Sounds like a great deal! So why am i just now signing up for this offer at age 30? Somewhere along the line ive convinced myself to value fiction over fact. The exact reason for this still eludes me, as I understand the numerous emotional benefits of honesty.  The problem with fantasy is that living there too long makes the crash back to reality that much harder. I've had a few minor crashes in my life, but none as destructive as my recent fall. I'm not hurt, but I've killed a plane full of emotions for the person I care most about.  At first I was piloting our lives to a sunny island destination. When I woke up from my fantasy the plane was damaged and quickly losing altitude. Panic seemed to override emotion as I sat frozen in my chair.  I've never been sure what I'd do in an emergency situation like this.. Even tho ive caused this tragedy, it is somehow foreign to me. I want reality to be the dream and wake up in a tropical destination: denial.  Sometimes I think that few people know until they get there. Other times I see survivors that look prepared and confident. She is a survivor. Even tho she is battered, bruised and has lost some sense of direction, I see that she is helping others before herself. She pulled me out of dangers way. She saved my life. Yet I'm frozen. Unable to offer even the slightest grain of gratitude as we plummet to our demise. Lives were entrusted to me and now they are in danger b/c I fell asleep at the wheel. Good pilots dont kill people. She knows it is my fault, yet her eyes comfort me. How strange! I have taken so much from her, but she tries to understand.  A quiet anarchy storms over every chair and down every aisle. Nobody knows that we didn't have to crash, that I could have saved us before leaving the ground. She knows. She always does. This has happened before and she was there and survived. I denied her predictions of it happening again, but here we are.  For a while I sat down and talked. We are all going to die and I'm asking her how her day was? How Trivial and inhuman. She converses as if nothing is wrong, just to ease my pain. More lights, more smoke.. We are falling faster. As I get up to tie my shoes, I knock over a fire extinguisher and injure her again. Having sustained so many traumatic impacts already, I am terrified that this perfect person might not see the light of day again.  She is now the only reason in life. she must be saved. There must be some hope for both of. us, if only I can finish tieing my shoes and find it.  it's nice to have scapegoat words such as: subconscious, habit, Impulse, fear, danger, etc. Yet, at the end of the day, there are very few problems in life that wouldn't be better off with a truthful resolution.