It's OK to hate drugs and alcohol

You know what you never hear: “it’s ok to hate drugs and alcohol”.
We are all preached at to have some kind of tolerance. Why? Why should I be tolerant of someone that gets drunk, destroys property, is loud and not tolerant of others and generally creates a big disturbance for other people? Why do I have to be the one to forgive them when they just say “sorry” and don’t fix the door or window they broke? And then look at me like I should cater to them? Fuck that. I may have tolerance for a person, or group of people, but I’m running out of tolerance for substance abuse.

I’ve recently been threatened by someone I believe to be using; and I’ve taken it very personally. I don’t like people telling me what to do just as much as the next person; but when someone approaches me in a threatening manner, I’ve been responding in kind lately.. it’s lead to me having some inner evaluation/dialogue and needing to vent somewhere, so this seemed like a good option (another one of Lisa’s good ideas :) )
To start, there is a pattern of emergency in an addicts life. Usually it is a result of ignoring responsibility and not having the support network around them to help when things get difficult. This is such a dangerous and circular negative pattern, that I’ve begun to hate any signs of it (even in myself, so I’ll need to read this later and see if I’m doing it also).
Everyone hates responsibility and is going to drop the ball at some point. But usually we can pick it up and keep going. The danger comes in when we don’t have a safety net for that time when “we don’t got it”. That is our family. However you define family, they are the only ones that are ever going to truly have your back if it comes time to fight for you. And everyone will have to fight something in their life. Usually we can’t do it 100% alone. When someone chooses a substance over family, they usually do get what they want (the substance) but also lose their family in the process. Using is an isolated lifestyle that eventually leads to being alone, always. Sometimes that involves death, other times it may involve survival or “functioning”.. but always isolation in the end. And that’s one of the worst feelings for anyone to ever have to deal with.
Isolation results for many reasons. Ultimately, our decisions determine our place in life. Users will choose a drug (or sometimes an ego) over everything and everyone. Fathers, mothers, daughters, sons, brothers, sisters, friends are all second seat to the primary focus and concern; until crisis when the friend or family member is called upon to help. But the average person does not like being put second their whole life then have to help someone they care about after their first choice didn’t come thru for them. I imagine people that experience this might compare it to helping someone you love or have a crush on get back with their ex-boyfriend/ ex-girlfriend, ex-husband/ ex-wife, etc. Why would you do so much work only to help someone that is not choosing you?
That is one way isolation is created: this feeling of non-importance can distance us from our families. This is a monumental turning point, because without family people are truly alone in the world and the world is a harsh place. There often isn’t anyone else out there just looking out for another individual’s best interest; more often than not, it’s every person for themselves. As my wife has noted, this is why we become emotional when we see acts of charity; because we are not used to seeing them! If helping others was normal, we wouldn’t be surprised or think twice about it. But it’s not.
This is painfully evident by witnessing the homeless and less fortunate. Where are their families? What decisions led a person to such a place where they have absolutely nowhere else to go than the street w/ 1 shopping cart to carrying their life? This is a terrifying prospect for me, being homeless and it has been a motivator at times also; to maintain food, water and shelter.
Many times we take these basic needs (and other needs) for granted. But there are others who don’t have them. Another logical assumption I will make is that if someone does not care for their immediate relationships, they will not care about their responsibilities either. All of the bills that keep us afloat in the world these days: mortgage/rent, food, electricity, gas, cell phone, internet, car, job expenses.. these things are of a lesser priority as well. When crisis occurs in an active-users life, it is often b/c they have chosen to neglect these responsibilities, usually after they have distanced themselves from those that might help them. This is a bad place to be and accelerates the disease. When people become desperate, they begin to do desperate things to stay afloat, to maintain the basic needs. This can plummet a person deeper into depression, debt and isolation from true friends by the short-sighted decisions that a person begins to make when they are desperate. Like taking more debt for cash today, refusing or fighting our responsibilities always leads us to a more difficult tomorrow. Whoever we choose to blame for our actions, it is always ourselves that will pay.
I hate substances. I didn’t before, but I do now and that’s ok. It’s my opinion and I have the right to that, just as those that choose to use have the right to their own opinion. The beautiful thing about democracy is that everyone is truly allowed to find their own way in life, by their own decisions towards what they believe is their life’s goal or purpose. Additionally, we are all allowed to choose who we associate with, what we support and what we do not. There is never someone or some government forcing our hand. But there are many opinions that, given the freedoms of speech that we have, allow us to make our own educated decisions based on the experiences of others; should we be wise enough to use this information.
Reverting to my opinion (the only one I can speak for) The short-sightedness of addiction doesn’t worry about tomorrow’s debt until tomorrow is today. That debt can be financial, emotional, in a relationship or any other things we commonly put off.. but reality is always there waiting for us. At some point our actions will affect others and we will be held responsible.
Looking at my own bad decisions/actions, I have to wonder: how will I be held responsible? When will I have to pay back all the bad things I’ve done to other people? Part of me wants to think never; but this is not true. Ironically, b/c I have shared some of my bad actions with others I think that I may be held accountable to pay them back. This leads me to wonder: why should anyone confide in anyone if the only result is to suffer? And for myself, I guess I would say: clear conscience frees us from the burdens of guilt that we carry every day. Each lie, deception, or otherwise negative impact we’ve had on another person’s life is carried with us, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not. Some folks have religion to identify this, but it’s common sense; if we treat others badly, we will be treated badly.
I may have not fully understood the golden rule, until just now. We treat others how we want to be treated b/c we are all mirrors, reflecting each other. Also, harboring hate can stay with us for years and cause negativity and stress in our daily lives.
Here's one example: when I called a customer service representative angry, I made their life just a little worse, they (in-turn) did not help me get what I want, so now I’m angry, they are angry and nothing has been solved; so I’m actually in a worse situation. Furthermore, we both leave the phone call and have a negative effect on the world. The very next person both of us talk to will suffer the wrath of the disappointing or frustrating, previous conversation. I think this is the literal way that Karma enforces itself into/onto our lives. After a while (if we are stupid and continue this behavior) we start to realize that no one wants to be around us, or that our relationships are unsuccessful, that we are not fulfilled or progressing in our jobs or hobbies.. just a bunch of negative shit that is completely avoidable with such little effort in the very beginning.
This effort requires such difficulty sometimes though. Usually humility, letting our ego go and being truly compassionate and caring about a situation that is not solely our own. This could mean saying “I was wrong” which is extremely difficult for most of us to do. Instead I will normally continue to try to prove a point until I am right, supposedly to make me feel better about myself. Hence the writing of this paper. That’s something I learned from my wife. If you are frustrated about something, maybe just write it down, save it, look at it later and see if that’s the person you want to be. Because sometimes we act in ways that we do not want to be, and that can be a very frightening realization to have, especially if you perceive it to be “too late” or very far progressed. That is another true danger of addiction, it is one of many ways to ignore our faults, never correct them and cripple ourselves immensely and almost completely in the process.
There were a bunch more ideas floating around in my head, but for now I’ll close this paper. Usually people say it’s good to end with a quote, affirmation or restatement of the purpose of the communication.. I’ll go with affirmation, b/c that seems like a good choice for now:
1) I will try to better understand the situations of others and realize my own faults without compromising my integrity or someone else’s
2) I will make sure that before I make a decision I think of my priorities, and that I focus on making the decisions that will support my priorities
3) I will make better efforts to not have selfish priorities
4) I will do my job as a good husband and father
And here’s a good quote, b/c why not! Family means no one gets left behind or forgotten. David Ogden Stiers
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_family.html#Ih0wqi24guHMQLSM.99

Lisa of the light

Lisa of the light
radiates warmth and starry nights,
provides the blind with needed guide
under loving glow, they relax to know
that easy feet follow when darkness subsides

for Lisa of the bright
is thanked by a nation, not in sight
of the unseen beacon that shines inside
an individual helped that no longer cries
to know the truth apart from lies

Lisa of our life
supports our dreams with sacrifice,
builds us up to twice our height
by our side makes half the climb
to see the world from light and rhyme

the million dollar question..

what does it mean to relapse?

for those of us with compulsive behavior (aka "addiction") what does it mean to relapse?  i think that relapse can be part of recovery. it is a loss, but not a failure. for example, if i don't go to the gym for a year i have not reached my goal.. however, i can start going to the gym tomorrow (if i was motivated to). perceiving that we've failed only breeds more perceived failure. thus i've begun each new day with a saying that "today will be good". no expectations, just a thought that i might enjoy something that day. maybe someday it will be getting back in the gym! but i'm not making any specific promises to myself just yet.. i'm no expert on any of this and all of these words are stolen, yet worth repeating b/c they do work :)

i was recently asked how i felt about relapse. at first i couldn't wrap my mind around it. i didn't assign immediate danger to someone falling back into a cycle b/c there wasn't any comprehension of what the immediate or long-term effects would be. after thinking a little while, i suppose that addiction (like other habits) is an escape right? we go there to heal when the world beats us up. however, while we are healing the world is going on without us.. our monsters (problems) are waiting outside of our cocoon, growing stronger b/c those motherfuckers aren't challenged. usually one of our problems will become the leader, the alpha-problem and challenge our very ability to run our own lives! fuck that!!  i refuse to be a slave to my problems, then again i'm very weak from not fighting said problems.. so where to begin aye?
most people aren't going to jump out of the safety egg with a sword and slay the dragon. we all need that training montage that you might remember from LOTR.. the preparation for battle. for some it may take years, others days, but there's something about that time in the movie.. the preparation that is exciting. the last village of people preparing to defend their land and family.. sharpening of swords with tears of the ones we are to protect.. i'm spiraling into a medieval tangent.. meant to say something like "now i'm eating the pie a piece at a time" or something that would suggest the smaller tasks are the true way of building ourselves up, not going after the bigger stuff until we're ready..

my thoughts of porn have changed over time in an unexpected way. although i don't think of it as frequently, when i do it is an extreme, desperate, vivid desire that makes me way more curious about watching it again then when i used to watch daily about a year ago. repressing the urge or desire seems to make it that much more desirable! WTF!  so how is this supposed to get better if this vision seems to become more potent over time? it seems that most things are just a distraction.. but i've not tried a lot of strategies either. boredom is a major trigger for anyone.. and i think that living a more active lifestyle would do wonders for my brain chemicals and overall outlook :)  the internet can be a trigger too, but the problem is i have lived on the internet so long that it will be really difficult to change.. now that i think about it, the internet might be one of my root problems! hmm.. might be a topic for another post.. in the mean time just trying to come up with goals that i can accomplish, usually the same day and maybe that will be enough to keep my mind off it :)

what are we fighting for?

make life, don't hate life..

There are so many complications associated with being an adult: money, sex, lies, responsibility, difficult decisions, consequence and the millions of possible interactions we can have with others on a daily basis. Usually i sit, smoke, ponder and feel sorry for myself, ensuring that no action will be taken (either positive or negative). This isn't living life! Sometimes i feel like i'm wasting time, patting myself on the back for things i've thought of, but haven't set in motion or even attempted to accomplish. I tell myself all the great things I can, or would do for the Princess and myself, yet nothing ever gets done.

So how do we break the cycle of trapt thoughts and physical inaction? I recently thought that developing ourselves strengthens those around us. Whichever pattern we are stuck in, it takes a strong mind and body to mold ourselves into who we want to be. This may be an excuse to be completely selfish, but i'm starting to believe that the best thing you can give your family is a strong you!  Sure we hand out electronic toys, food, cards and other things that demonstrate a positive thought or action... but wouldn't it be much more meaningful to be an unwavering pillar of support in someone's life.  I don't currently exhibit these traits for anyone or even myself, but it's a good thought :) everything starts with a thought tho right?

How good would it feel to know that people had absolute trust and faith in you for something? anything... if i was a good fisherman and everyone looked up to me to learn how to fish, i would feel more responsibility in having to teach.. at the same time, b/c i had invested time in (selfishly) developing my own skill, i could now offer others life-long teachings that may feed them one day.

I'm conflicted with this notion. Unsure if it is an excuse or a legitimate path to unselfish righteousness.. currently leaning towards legitimate, because the individual ultimately decides on their level of happiness, not the environment.  So what am i doing to become more content? more excited about life? what am i doing to make my life instead of hate it?  well, not very much!

however, here are some things that i hope to hold myself accountable to:

- reward myself with sleeve tattoo after reaching 200lbs
- establish a daily workout routine
- establish a daily eating routine
- document my progress

no good conclusion to this writing as the process in ongoing..

Protection: "so others may live"

So often I wonder "do I really have someone's best interest at heart?" when we help someone, it can be more of a selfish act than anything. Currently I do not volunteer or spend much time actively doing anything for anyone else. My life has been set to auto pilot and I've given control of most decisions to the wind & water. While this relieves me of duty, it is a sure way to lose track of myself and others around me. If we do not distinctly define ourselves, others will not recognize us. So more difficulty can mean a better life.. No pain no gain?!

While its easy to see how others should change, it's tough to take action to change myself. I would like the recognition of the title "protector".. That someone needs me and that I am truly doing good for the right reasons. However these words are so subjective (or objective?) so more time is usually spent spent evaluating possible future actions than just making a decision and following thru. ..

One thought: becoming someone's protector may involve becoming a part of them, so much so that you don't know yourself apart from them. How then can you have perspective? Then protecting them or doing anything good becomes like doing something for ourselves. For example, how many new years resolutions are broken each year? This is something we swear to ourselves, but are ultimately not accountable for b/c we allow ourselves excuses.  Hence, to be a good protector we may have to maintain our ego and humility.. I'm not exactly sure how to do this.. Maybe a good topic for next time!

Who's feelings are these anyway?

Something is different today, and it was yesterday also. I made peace with a decision that may determine the rest of my life: moving to a different place in the world. My battle, as i imagine most people's battles are, is internal. How do we really separate ourselves from ourselves long enough to see the effect we are having on other people? I don't want to see my effect on others. I'm scared of the things i've done and much more terrified of the things i haven't done. Princess says that we have lived a life of fear. That fear has gobbled up our dreams, hopes and may now be looking to have our future for dessert. Well.. at least that's my interpretation of the writing. Briefly, i have to say that anyone going thru any type of life difficulty should really read her story at chasingdragonsaway.com Her life is a beautiful tragedy and some of the stories are dark, but all are written from another world.. anyways, if you find yourself looking for perspective in life, you will find a lot at that website! ps. there are some funny ones in there too like the "what would jesus do, apparently flip me off!" heh heh, if you're intelligent you will really like the blog :) alright, my mind is easily distracted i suppose, so to continue: living life in fear. what do we fear? Being alone, not being loved or accepted by another, not finding our reason or purpose? I fear more than i should and more than i talk about. I fear being discovered as if i'm some sort of fake person that cares about nothing and noone save myself. The thought makes me want to puke, but maybe that's who i am. I fear that i'll always be this way and the people around me will suffer because of it. I fear that if i keep saying stuff i fear that i will fear more and get trapped in a fear-cycle of fearing.. there's a saying in texas "you fool me once.." no wait, "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself!!" I'm in love. following that feeling edges the fear away a little :) something today was different, but not entirely new.. i watched an episode of intervention (because i dwell on fear and dramatic situations rather than reality) and found myself inside a new, weird emotion. The side effect of this emotion was that i cried like a little baby and was putting my fists in the air, like you might do when someone finishes a race first.. i dunno, maybe like if your favorite nascar driver won? or your team scored a touchdown? this isn't the strange part, feeling part of someone else's success.. the strange part is the crying.. i've always felt sad when i cry, which isn't very often anyways. today i was excited, proud.. i kept saying yes in a very small voice. this is strange to me, but it all happened at the moment Meghan said she was willing to go to the treatment. I'm still very excited and proud, i don't even know this person! Well, it looks like i've just written about myself again, but maybe starting with ourselves is what we need to do to help others feel better :) I'm glad for today and i'm glad for the amazing things i have in my life that inspired me to write for the first time in.. months? year? hopefully more soon :) :)